July 8, 2010

9:14 a.m.
Dinner last night was a 25,675 calorie goat cheese pasta dish, so I opted for yogurt, granola, and coffee this morning. My stomach appreciated it.
9:42 a.m.
Celebrate Presbyterian Peacemaking Program with a litany that includes every social justice issue that has ever existed, including WEATHER events. I felt the sentence condemning our callous attitudes toward CGI characters “like in ‘Avatar’” was a reach.
9:52 a.m.
More stuff that no one is paying attention to. We are asked to vote on nominees to at-large positions for some committee no one knows anything about. I vote for the nominee named Heather, because that is my sister-in-law’s name. I realize this stuff is necessary to run the denomination, but has anyone realistically spent any time at all reviewing the qualifications of nominees like these. I mean besides their spouses. And that lady in the front row who hasn't made me break out the TunderStix yet, but its still early.
10:02 a.m.
The next nominee is no rocket scientist. Wait, yes, he really is. Surely he is smart enough not to get involved in denominational level committees.
10:10 a.m.
Electronic voting machines are broken. I ask if the rocket scientist may be of help.
10:18 a.m.
Awkward moment as we are asked to sing a hymn that no one knows. Which seems appropriate considering what has gone on the previous hour.
10:29 a.m.
YAADs make entire body do another “energizer” to “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)”. Their youthful enthusiasm is really starting to get annoying. I contemplate whether this song may be offensive to Turks in some way. Afterwards, the Brandenberg Concerto plays on the hall sound system. I wonder if this is somehow offensive to non-Europeans. I have been here way too long.
10:37 a.m.
Voting machines are back on. Pete “Buzzsaw” Berlowitz defeats Ken “Killing Machine” McKenzie. McKenzie immediately challenges Berlowitz to a Steel Cage Polity Debate of Death.
10:50 a.m.
I wonder if voting by show of raising right hands is discriminatory to left-handed persons?
11:19 a.m.
Debate on middle governing bodies. Debate is undercut as one delegate asks if Texas churches were to leave the Synod of the Sun for the Synod of the Southwest, will other synods scramble to find new member presbyteries, leading to new “Super-Synods” and ultimately a National Synod playoff and Championship? Smaller presbyteries would be relegated to meeting in the Weedeater Bowl.
11:56 a.m.
Debate on extending a committee formed to help solve deep disputes and power struggles in the Puerto Rican Synod, who sound like they are more screwed up than we are, if that is possible. I didn’t agree with a commissioner who presented a convoluted theory that the trouble was due to the Illuminati acting in concert with a Colombian drug cartel and members of the Kennedy family.
1:24 p.m.
The president of Princeton Seminary is in the snack bar line in front of me and he buys a bag of Doritos and a Coke. This strikes me as amusing somehow.
1:51 p.m.
Found out that “Trick or Treat for UNICEF” was originally started by a Presbyterian pastor in 1950. Man comes on stage dressed as an enormous UNICEF box. Presbyterians have a long way to go when it comes to visual aids.
2:00 p.m.
Ecumenical stuff is up. We are addressed by a Catholic bishop. Disappointed he didn’t wear the cool blinged-out bishop hat and stole. Or even speak like Father Guido Sarducci.
2:18 p.m.
Speaker mentions that as part of the motion being presented that the committee was tasked to find out if the EPC had a strategy in place to persuade PC(USA) churches, members, and ministers to leave PC(USA) and join EPC. This is good stuff. I think an inter-denominational fight would be a lot of fun to take on. Espionage. Sabotage. Prank calls. Spiking the sacramental juice. Greasing kneeling rails. Soap bubbles in the organ pipes. Could bring new energy to the denomination.
2:50 p.m.
Muslim leader speaks for the “Toward an Understanding of Christian-Muslim Relations” report in about 30 seconds. I appreciate the brevity and wonder if all Muslims do this. If so, I have underestimated the Muslim faith.
3:13 p.m.
The time is here for the always anticipated annual ordination standards/local option debate. Zany antics and sidesplitting hijinks are sure to follow before the assembly votes for it.
5:00 p.m.
Which they do, albeit a bit closer than I would have thought. If you listen closely, the sound of contributions and offerings drying up and the footsteps of those leaving the denomination can be heard. After the vote, we get to enjoy a palette cleansing discussion on compensation issues within the General Assembly Mission Commission. You can tell it is somewhat boring as there are absolutely no YAADs crying at the microphone.
5:14 p.m.
Strongly worded proposals are passed regarding: taking the Lord’s name in vain in movies and television, violence on the Mexican border, capping credit card interest rates, discrimination against women, equity in schools, ecology in general, destruction of coastal wetlands, access to potable water as a human right, a broad movement encompassing a.human trafficking, b.immigrant detention, and c.torture; gun violence, eliminating the death penalty, immigration, the Gulf Coast oil spill, and something called “The Charter for Compassion.” Other measures including discrimination against guns, violence on the coastal wetlands, and destruction of televisions are disapproved as silly; and overtures condemning eating too much cookie dough, cheating at solitaire, and wearing white shoes after Labor Day are also defeated. We break for dinner having shown the world how righteous we are.
6:09 p.m.
Mike, Tom, and I go to the Commissioner’s Dinner; we end up sitting with one of last week’s moderator candidates, Eric Nielson. We advised him that a coup d’etat was bad form and took his steak knife away from him.
6:11 p.m.
Note that the commissioner I have been mentally threatening with ThunderStix all week is once again seated at the table next to me. God is laughing.
6:47 p.m.
No dessert is served. This is vastly unfair after all we do. Tom and I go to find some dessert. Along the way I am asked to paint with darts and paint-filled balloons by some girls in front of the convention center. I believe I finally have found my calling and I stop at Target to buy balloons and tempera paint.
7:20 p.m.
Tom and I buy Klondike Ice Cream Bars at Target, as well. Heath Bar variety. Hurrying back to the assembly, we go to the podium to auction the Klonikes off to commissioners. We make $73.62, which we intend to donate to the people collecting funds in the lobby to support their Mission to Clothe Naked Mole Rats.
7:55 p.m.
Tom Taylor new Presbyterian Foundation president speaks. I’m sure he is a lovely person and very well qualified but I remember that I have games on my computer that I haven’t tried yet. Slightly embarrassed when I shout an expletive in the middle of his speech when my last starship blows up. I blame it on the ThunderStix lady.
8:12 p.m.
Social justice issues continue. Assembly votes not to drink Arizona Iced Tea. Amendment allows us to drink it if we are really really thirsty and have Presbytery approval.
9:07 p.m.
Civil unions are being discussed, because we haven’t had quite enough divisive issues yet today. Thankfully the there are TWO Scottish speakers in the debate period. I would vote for whatever they were promoting just to hear them talk. They could be advocating that we baptize people with Twisty Tropical Punch Kool Aid and I’d concur. I resist the urge to paint my face blue and shout “FREEDOM!”
10:40 p.m.
Sensing that we have had enough for one day, God allows a definition of marriage overture to fail. I thank Him, but still hear Him snickering about placing that commissioner lady nearby all the time,

Other notes:
-Despite the hour, I indulge in a Goose Island 312 draft. Nice, but I’ve had it before.
-Archpriest of Belarus Orthodox Church of Christ (unrefomed for 2000 years he reminds us) gave an ecumenical greeting that I’m sure many did NOT want to hear. To sum up, he stated that in observing our procedings he is confused, as Christian morality as stated in the scriptures has been unchanged since Christ’s time and we shouldn’t be trying to re-invent it. Also, that the Holy Spirit isn’t denominational--he said he doesn’t understand that the same Holy Spirit that inspired the Bible is now calling denominations to do other things. Ouch. He comends us to not be conformed to this world! Can we elect this guy? Can I just attend his church. Would moving to Belarus be out of the question? Best sermon all week. Doubtful he will return next year.
-I will be exploring what the priest said a little more in depth, along with my thoughts on the other issues a bit more in depth when I this is all over.