July 7, 2010

9:56 a.m.
Disappointing breakfast at Caribou Coffee. The coffee is somewhat lacking in depth of flavor. Blueberry scones are alright, but my wife’s are remarkable, so it is hard to compare. Barristas in caribou costumes also make it hard to steam the milk properly. Dunn Bros. is a little bitter to my taste, and Starbucks is Starbucks. No Peets to be found. If coffee and beer were not available this week, I’m fairly certain that I’d be a dishevelled quivering mess shuffling through the Minneapolis skyways talking to myself. But then at least the PC(USA) would pass a resolution stating that my position is deplorable and they are unified in saying so.
10:02 a.m.
USA Today article headline reads “Expert on Aging Dies.” One would assume that he knew it was coming.
11:33 a.m.
Souvenir shopping for a short while. Buy a Minnesota Golden Gophers shirt for my son. Lady at checkout says, “There ya’ go, then! Hev a great day!” in the most perfect Minnesota accent I’ve heard since I’ve been here, and it totally makes my morning. Well, that and the young executive-type girl in the short skirt riding the escalator ahead of me. Summering in Minneapolis has advantages.
12:47 p.m.
Do a series of one-handed push-ups, primal screams, and paint my face and bang my head against the wall to prepare for the first plenary session in 45 minutes. I’m so stoked!
1:50 p.m.
I am missing my wife a lot. I’m feeling attracted to the moderator. And the vice moderator. I note that they both have the same haircut.
2:14 p.m.
A presentation includes a logo using both the Papyrus AND Comic Sans fonts. I speak out against the logo, but am declared to be out of order. I may propose an overture outlawing the use of these fonts in any church communications. Also, using a cross as a “T” is right out as well.
3:33 p.m.
To my relief, humor does still exist, found in a presentation by a commissioner on the proper way to use the electronic keypads. It is again sad that we need a lesson on how to operate something simpler than a light switch. Also the moderator is honestly quite funny. And God’s sense of humor is evident as the woman I most wanted to hit with the ThunderStix this week is sitting in the row in front of me. I re-inflate the ThunderStix.
3:48 p.m.
As the chairs scrape across the hall floor they make a cool noise that sounds a lot like the notorious World Cup vuvuzelas--being at GA is just like being at the World Cup. Adding to the atmosphere, one committee moderator rips his shirt off and slides across the dais when an overture passes, causing several brawls to break out among the hooligans in the observer section with spitting, small fires being set, and bags of urine being thrown. Minneapolis riot police quell the uproar with nightsticks. Onto item 16-03.
3:50 p.m.
We are ahead of schedule. However moving the agenda requires it to be approved by parliamentary procedure, and the debate takes 45 minutes. We are now 20 minutes behind schedule.
4:13 p.m.
Distracted from debate--and not in a good way--by the slightly overweight YAAD in front of me whose jeans are riding down. Its really cold in the assembly hall and I wonder why he can’t feel so obvious a draft. I ask my neighbor if I can borrow her new handwoven Guatemalan stole. She declines until I point out why I want to use it.
4:21 p.m.
My committee’s motions are up now... basic stuff is passed easily. Seminary presidents are approved and encouraged to read the full texts of their doctoral theses while balanced on an ironing board with their mouths full of marshmallows. I feel like we shouldn’t let the youth delegates run this part of the meeting.
4:43 p.m.
Several speakers who approach the microphones are supportive of a controversial baptism motion, a few recommend that we disapprove, and one woman is asks if she can use the restroom and would anyone like anything while she is up. So debate has indeed been civil. The Stated Clerk does ask for a tall non-fat double shot cappuccino, wet, with cinnamon, 2 sugars.
5:06 p.m.
More stuff that no one is paying any attention to whatsoever is going on. I think we need a Permanent Judicial Committee on Boring Stuff to take care of all of this and present it in a single report. Is this asking too much?
5:07 p.m.
On the upside of the presentation, the speaker has a lovely, interesting accent that sounds somewhat like Harry Belafonte. I’m already wearing yet another tropical shirt, and I begin humming “Jamaica Farewell” and craving a pina colada. I respectfully wait until the speaker is done before I form the conga line which snakes around the assembly. I am secretly happy that it went over a lot better than the Youth delegates’ “energizer” we did yesterday.
5:30 p.m.
During the break, many visit a hall housing tables of crafts and items for sale to support people from poverty-stricken countries across the globe. Apparently the one thing that really does unite all Presbyterians is shopping. How we can codify this is beyond me, however. On the down side, there are native ethnic clothes available and purchased. I expect to be horrified more than once in the coming days.
7:30 p.m.
Ecumenical greetings include a welcome from a Muslim official. He is effusive in applauding our social justice efforts. Just what they need--more encouragement. He is wildly applauded.
7:45 p.m.
We have a 15 minute period where anyone is allowed to say anything for one minute, save for debate on issues before us. Most are thanking their committees and asking for prayers. One elder asks if anyone has seen his pants that he had on last night and if anyone knows who Starla is. A youth delegate gives a shout out to Meagan for “being his first.” Assembly shuffles papers self-consciously and the moderator takes no further speakers.
7:48 p.m.
Rest of the evening is taken up with debate regarding the implementation of a new form of government. Essentially re-writing the constitution. Speakers for or against are required to hold large colored paddles to indicate their position. Debate is stopped cold when an elder approaches the microphone with a powder blue paddle. In the interest of diversity, he is allowed to speak. He asks if the new constitution should be written on “that gold old-looking parchment paper stuff that smells sorta funny.”
9:30 p.m.
After many substitute motions and amendments are defeated, the new form of government is passed. Most objections seemed to center on the new requirement that congregations should use fist bumps when passing the peace and that steeples should now have inflatable gorillas or similar attention grabbers attached to them in order to draw more people to church.

Other Notes:
-Drank a New Holland Brewing Full Circle Kolsch style lager. Its just alright. Shiner made a better one but has discontinued it.
-Many within earshot of me coo and say awwww when a Native American pastor addresses us in her native tongue and again when a Latin American speaker thanks and congratulates the moderator. It absolutely came across as condescending and demeaning. These are accomplished professional human beings speaking, not five-year-olds in a Christmas pageant.
-During the baptism discussion, one speaker says that her pastor has all children in the congregation come forward at baptisms, and reminds them that God loved them before they were born and will love them forever. Thought that was a lovely picture.
-I thought that the most moving and meaningful parts of the entire week have been the video presentations of the “Growing Christ’s Church Deep and Wide.” We have seen three so far--stories of individual churches who have reached directly into their communities to start relationships with their neighbors in new and unexpected ways. And have been amazingly successful. And their churches are growing because of it, It is so obvious (at least to me a couple of others present) that this is what all churches need to be doing, and that no amount of polity, social justice statements, or inclusive language is going to matter at all if you don’t first reach out a hand.