Friday, July 2, 2010

My previously scheduled vacation has been interrupted so that I may bring you breaking news from Presbyterian General Assembly in Minneapolis Minnesota. So far, nothing outrageous to report. This is no doubt due to the fact that the assembly has not yet started. Even still, the following is a practice round of blogging.

2:35 p.m.
Arrive at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport, Treated to my first full body scan. Later, I passed through security.
3:15 p.m.
Flight leaves for Minneapolis.
3:17 p.m.
I fall asleep, missing the beverage service.
4:38 p.m.
Baggage and I arrive in Minneapolis safely, despite the best efforts of the pilot who was seemingly trying to land the plane by simply cutting the engines on the decent to the runway and then trying to land on one wheel.
4:46 p.m.
Dozens of Hooters girls greet the GA Attendees at baggage claim. Wait, that was what I was dreaming on the plane,
4:46 p.m.
Dozens of Presbyterian volunteers in atrocious white aprons greet us at baggage claim and use colored ribbons to code our luggage according to hotel destination. My orange ribbon showed I was going to the Hooters Hotel. Wait, no, that’s more dream stuff. I have the Hilton ribbon. The volunteers shepherd us through the airport to a waiting motor coach which will whisk us to our destination.
4:58 p.m.
Buses arrive safely in LaCrosse, Wisconsin.
4:59 p.m.
Buses turn around and head to downtown Minneapolis.
5:15 p.m.
Arrive at Hilton and wait in line at check-in desk.
5:17 p.m.
Talkative older woman cuts in from of the gentleman I was conversing with. Not just absentmindedly--she actually moved her bags and everything. Made a mental note to try to charge a Spectravision movie to her room.
5:20 p.m.
Room on the 22nd floor--got a little motion sick on the elevator ride. Apparently our airline pilot engineered them. Made a mental note to take Dramamine each morning.
5:21 p.m.
Have a pot-luck roommate who is not here. However, there are empty malt liquor bottles everywhere and 1972 Chevy Impala parked in the bathroom. I take it as a good omen.
5:45 p.m.
Unpack and check social media. Choose to ignore friend request from man I don’t know. Feel guilty for a second, hoping that he just wasn’t a lonely individual crying out for someone to care,
6:03 p.m.
Walk to Convention Center to register. There is a skyway from the hotel to the center. Minneapolis is famous for these skyways which criss cross the city. You never have to go outside or set foot on the street--which really helps when you want to avoid fresh air or any non-Presbyterians that might be wandering around.
6:10 p.m.
More hideous-apron-wearing volunteers give me my packet of information outlining all of the fun the week has in store. There is a great piece about all of the fun things to do in Minneapolis which you will not be able to partake in because you will be in the meetings outlined in the numerous other brochures provided.
6:18 p.m.
Notice that the meeting rooms are spread out through the Convention Center because--strangely enough--no one else is having a convention over the Fourth of July holiday. I return to the hotel.
6:21 p.m.
Notice a billboard across from the hotel sponsored by “Presbyterians4Peace.” Thought the “4” was a nice Prince-like touch, especially since we are in his hometown. Also made mental note to start “Presbyterians4randomviolenceandbloodshed” just for spite.
6:30 p.m.
Needed some hairspray and a goodly supply of Advil, and was pleasantly surprised to find a Target just a block away from the hotel. No skyway was available, so I took to the mean streets of the Mill City. Found out that Minneapolis is called "The Mill City" because "The Big Apple" was already being used.
6:41 p.m.
A 2-story downtown Target! Two floors of Target awesomeness taken to another level (pun intended) by the incredible shopping cart escalator in the middle of the store. AN ESCALATOR JUST FOR SHOPPING CARTS. I dropped my hand basket and got a cart just so I could use it, despite the fact I was getting just a couple items. I love America.
6:58 p.m.
Noted that in a week to be dominated by conversations about diversity, this Target was a glorious metaphor. Tatooed goth chicks, flamboyant gay couples, gangstas in ill-fitting pants, street people talking to themselves or others unseen, moms, professionals, and dozens of slack-jawed Presbyterians all mixing it up in front of the Cool Ranch Doritos display.
7:29 p.m.
Walked back to the hotel with my purchases. Noted that there was a Church of Scientology on the way in case the Presbyterians got to be too much and I needed to get in touch with my inner aliens.
8:00 p.m.
Dinner with an old friend who lives in the Minneapolis suburbs. Went to Famous Dave’s BBQ. He’s not a Presbyterian and thus found it hard to believe that I was here for 8 days of church committee meetings. This may be something that needs to change, as I’m fairly certain that he now has no interest in Presbyterianism. I certainly couldn’t blame him.
11:03 p.m.
Returned to the hotel and met my roommate. The malt liquor was gone, so I just played “dumb” and didn’t bring it up--I think he appreciated it.
11:27 p.m.
I think that I have the most comfortable pillows ever manufactured.

Other notes:
-Good job by the “decent and in order” people. The volunteers are everywhere and are very helpful and efficient. I’ve been making it a point to thank them.
-Minneapolis is a lovely town, The gorgeous weather helps no doubt, but the downtown and uptown sections are vibrant and fun.
-Always nice to see reunions of old friends, despite the fact that everyone inevitably says “How ARE you.” Not sure why that inflection is used.
-I think that it must be hard for Presbyterians to dress casually. I know they can do business dress just fine, but the Friday-Night-Going out on the Town outfits were somewhat lacking. I’m no stickler for fashion, but I really wanted to scream at some people “NO! Don’t wear that outside!” Also, the giant blue GA lanyards are NOT accessories and are not required to go to restaurants, clubs and bars.
-Summit Hefeweissen beer is very good.
-Real stuff starts tomorrow. I am doubting I will be able to get enough light-hearted stuff to duplicate this, but I am ever hopeful.