I have been home from the PC(USA) General Assembly for a week now and have had time to go over my experiences with friends and pastors and especially my wife, who has never lacked for an opinion. Except when it comes to sports. Ask her who would play third base on her all-time dream-team baseball team, and she will answer, “who cares?”, not even considering arguments for or against Mike Schmidt or Brooks Robinson or even Ken Boyer.
Everyone wanted to know about my General Assembly experience. “How was it?” “Did you like it?” I think I can answer by paraphrasing my 14-year-old son, who though vulgar, got right to the point: “It sounds like a week full of suck.”
In order to better organize my thoughts and opinions, I decided to first give an overview of the week and how things went from a strictly organizational point, then circle back to give my views on the issues that we tackled. Or fumbled, depending on your perspective.
Preparing for the GA Experience, or “Sweet mother of mercy, am I supposed to read all of this or start my own recycling facility?”
In the weeks preceding the assembly I received what appeared to be the complete works of Stephen King, but in reality was the first of 1347 mailings to inform me of the issues before me. I carefully culled through the items, keeping only those that had attractively designed covers and the one that claimed that “Elder Doug Gleditsch Could Soon Be Our Next MILLIONAIRE!” I received a large perfect bound book for the New Form Of Government report, one for the Israel/Palestine Report, a few longer letters about the Belhar Confession, and a catalog from JC Whitney Auto Parts and Accessories, which I read just in case. I then mentally calculated the cost of postage and printing for all of these mailings and wondered how that money would have been better spent.
I am blessed to work at my church, If I wanted to, I would be able to take time to read a lot of the things sent to me. But most other elders have to go to work all day and curse the copy machine and have to take business trips to Hoover, Alabama and eat spaghetti with their families and go to bassoon recitals and clean up that spot where Artie the golden retriever threw up in the living room after he ate leftover spaghetti. They are asked to carve time to read policy papers and proposals, form opinions, and questions, and perhaps seek counsel, and prepare to make critical decisions on issues that will impact a denomination or perhaps—if the commissioner happens to walk into the wrong convention room—the sales forecasts of the Association of Midwestern Buick Dealers.
Ministers have it easier. They can just skip their golf game or that “sermon prep time” to read the material. Just kidding, ministers! Ministers can read the material between holes on the golf course.
Like going to Olive Garden right after hitting the buffet at the Golden Corral, it is just too much to digest. Even if most of the reading material was remotely interesting, a person can’t get though it all, which may be partly strategic, because if you don’t know what you are voting on, you are more inclined to go with the opinions that you hear. I found myself concentrating on just the issues before my committee and a couple of the other major ones. I don’t know if this was the case when the GA met yearly, but I imagine the two-year build up has to contribute. I know I voted for several things I knew absolutely nothing about, and though I think most were ultimately inconsequential, there is always the chance that something important will get by. I have no solutions, but perhaps there may be a better review system of what comes before the GA. Of course, that will have to come from Louisville, which means it won’t happen as I suspect that keeping things off balance better serves the agenda.
Travel Arrangements, or “The Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport is neither in Minneapolis nor in St. Paul.”
One thing that the denomination can do well is plan travel and accommodations for a couple thousand people. The reservations and ticketing for the convention were all online. Immediately after completing all of the forms, I received my detailed itinerary and confirmation letter:
Dear Ms. Elder Doom Grimblestitch:
Thank you for booking your travel through Northeastern Global Travel Associates and Pet Grooming. We here at NGTAPG realize that you have a choice when it comes to travel, namely letting us arrange your reservations, or riding your daughter’s ten-speed and sleeping in her Disney Princess Pup Tent (batteries not included). Please review the following details of your trip:
Departure date: July 2, 2010,
Departure location: Chicago O’Hare Airport, however, your gate is far enough from the terminal that you are in Indianapolis, or possibly Toledo.
Arrival location: Minneapolis-St. Paul? Right? Right?
Flight: Continental Airlines Flight 202, unless Continental merges with United in which case your flight may be transferred to Big Ed’s Mid West Airline and Crop Dusting.
In-flight movie “Titanic 2: Moist Zombies”
In flight snack: 4 oz of ginger ale and a saltine.
In flight irritant: 3-year-old child clad only in a diaper running up and down the aisle chased by his mother who thinks he’s cute,
Extra charge applies for checked bags containing 55 gallon drum of Advil.
Airport transfer: Motor coach to your destination hotel available with presentation of ID and GA credentials, which are available at your destination hotel.
Hotel reservation: 8 nights, 3-1/2 days, Hilton Minneapolis Convention Center, or possibly the Hilton Grand Milwaukee Hotel.
Room: 2241 “The Pillsbury Doughboy Suite.”
Non-smoking, pro-drinking room requested.
Computer rental, lock rental, ThunderStix rental refused.
In-room movie: “Schindler’s List III: Schmear Force”
Hair dryer, gaming system, wifi service, nose hair trimmer, and waffle iron available in room.
Check out: 11:00 a.m. or 4:57 p.m., whichever comes first.
Return date: Sometime later
In-flight movie: “The Bionic Woman: The Musical”
If you need to make any changes to this itinerary please think again, as changes are really hard to do and we are really busy—we have over 2000 other Presbyterians to take care of, many of whom are too disoriented to get dressed properly, let alone travel by air.
Volunteers, or “Seriously, you are not wearing that in public, are you?”
Hundreds of friendly local Presbyterians with comical accents were stationed throughout the Twin Cities, from the airport terminal to the convention center to all of the hotels. Unfortunately, some of them were stationed at the Lakeside Motor Courts Hourly Rate Motel which was awkward until they were relocated to the Hilton Garden. In return for their hours of service and preparation they were allowed to keep the hideous aprons they were forced to wear all week. The aprons served their purpose as the volunteers were easily identified, especially because they were surrounded by children crying at the sight of the horrific aprons. The volunteers persevered and were deeply appreciated.
Riverside Conversations, or “Is it still a conversation if I am not talking?”
I appreciated the effort to preview the issues to come before us, though I’m not sure the workshop on whether to allow Dubuque Seminary to serve communion at its year-end chapel service was well attended. The “conversations” I attended were driven by the resource people— who happened to be the ones who had chaired the committees reviewing the issues. Including the lengthy background review and introductions, the “conversation” was essentially the resource people either promoting or defending their position. They allowed a short time for conversations with those around us, but the entire process seemed geared toward promoting the issue rather than discussing it, which was sorely needed. I came away with a better grasp of what was being proposed, but no ideas of what a dissenting opinion would look like.
It was also a great introduction to those who boldly stand for inclusive language at every opportunity. By the end of the week I was praying that God would vent God’s anger by sending God’s lightning bolts to smite the individual. Or at least hit the human being with The Creator’s ThunderStix. Throughout the week, I heard no stories of a person accepting Christ because the church used inclusive language.
I'll continue with the overview tomorrow and then get into the issues later in the week. Right now, I have to prepare for tonight's Lynch Mob concert, which promises to shed some astute theological observations on these issues. And also some face-melting guitar solos.
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