I’ve often thought about what I would do if I ever found myself in some ransom-demanding, Dog Day Afternoon-type scenario. OK, not “often,” but I like to be prepared for anything. I like to think about what I would do in other fretful situations, like if I were on stranded while mountain climbing, trapped in a elevator with Kenny G and his saxophone, or asked to design a logo using a cross in place of the letter “T.” I’ve also thought about being married to Salma Hayek, but that’s an entirely different scenario.
My point in bringing up Dog Day Afternoon is that John Cazale was a very fine character actor. No, wait, my point was the ransom thing. The ransom I would demand would be simple. I would ask for one Saturday’s receipts from any Chick-fil-A Restaurant in a populous suburban area. I figure that would cover anything I may ever need. A private beach in Costa Rica, an extended stay hotel suite in Monte Carlo, a luxury yacht (permanently docked—I get motion sick pretty easily). A private brewery.
Chick-fil-A is a fine fast food restaurant. I enjoy the #1 Combo as much as anyone, but I don’t understand the obsession. The place is constantly mobbed. I could understand if they were giving away jet packs or invisibility cloaks or even those Dyson Air Blade hand dryers (how cool are those?). The Beatles aren’t reuniting on the playground. Or even Air Supply for that matter. Its chicken sandwiches. Its not like they’re selling McRibs. Now THERE is a sandwich.
When I was growing up, you had to have access to a mall in order to be close to a Chick-fil-A. But even then, there weren’t crowds clogging up the food courts, Later in college and even after I graduated, there were no throngs at the counters of Chick-fil-A.
It all changed when they built free-standing restaurants.
I can only understand the attraction as being anti-mall. I don’t want to brave the terrifying packs of 11-19 year olds walking the mall, all treading the fine line between being noticed an not standing out and ready to shriek, cry, laugh, or say “Dude!” at any given second, Often in the same second. I can have that experience at home every day, and without walking by something called Wet Seal or being sprayed by Damp Artichoke-Ginger Bath Splash as you stroll by Bath and Body Works.
Nowadays you can drive the SUV/minivan/crossover vehicle right up to the Chick-fil-A door. Well, not the door, exactly. Many, many, many people drive to Chick-fil-A; the parking lot looks remarkably similar to the Lakeside Chevrolet dealership (You won’t get soaked with our deals!).
A better option may be to stay right inside the cavernous luxury of your SUV of choice, and have them hand the food to you. This is apparently so appealing, that, despite a line of cars that begins RIGHT OUTSIDE THEIR HOME, thousands of people every day nudge their way into the herd and roll car length by car length to the drive through. There is even an employee stationed outside taking orders, coordinating traffic signals, calling a wrecker service, and aiding those who ran out of gas waiting in line.
This still doesn’t explain the popularity. Maybe its the illusion that chicken is better for you than a burger or a taco? Deep fried chicken breast on a buttered roll—smothered in mayonnaise if you like—and sided with more fried food. And sweet tea. It is exactly like eating apples and carrots! Apparently, thousands of suburbanites agree. Other places have drive thrus and nutritionally questionable food choices. I never see the line of cars around Wendy’s. Or Taco Bell. Or even Rapid Rabbit (this was a fast food restaurant in Waco Texas in the early 80s that served rabbit. No lie. It lasted about 8 hours before closing).
If you do find a parking space and survive the journey into the restaurant, it can appear less busy—don’t be fooled. It doesn’t seem as crowded because all of the children are crammed into the hermetically-sealed “Kids Play Area,” Here the children are free to climb and run through the enormous Habitrail hamster cage, sweating, shrieking, running into one another, stepping on fingers, and becoming violently excited until the food arrives, at which time they run to their tables, sweating shrieking, running into one another, stepping on fingers, and becoming violently excited and occasionally throwing up waffle fries,
Then just when you think the electric atmosphere couldn’t become more charged, the kids are visited by Chick-fil-A’s famous cow mascot! “Look kids! Go say hi to the friendly cow!” At which point the kids sweat, shriek, run into the cow, step on the cow’s udder, and become violently excited. “No no Timmy, we don’t bite the cow’s elbow! Tell the cow you’re sorry!” The cow mascot is of course the employee whose register didn’t balance properly the previous night. That is why the Chick-fil-A Corporation runs so well—all work in fear of the cow costume.
While in line the last time I dared visit, I noticed the menu has a chicken salad sandwich. Has anyone ever ordered this? Who braves a scene that looks like a Michael Bay movie only with more destruction to order a sandwich you can make at home, without the danger of hearing loss from a screeching toddler clutching a handful of cow costume fur?
Not me. I’m just going to stick with McRib. There’s never a line for those.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Issue by Issue, Part 2
During many summer afternoons in Houston, the skies often darken and thunder rumbles ominously and lightning arcs across the sky and Houston’s 27.5 million drivers (all of whom are on Interstate 10) slow down to a safe rate of speed (also known as “parking”) because—though I haven’t experienced this myself—many cars will spontaneously fill with Cheez Whiz should they be driven in the rain at any speed over 7 miles per hour. But despite the impressive show in the skies, more often than not, it never does rain. And the azaleas all wither and the grass turns brown and asphalt in the parking lots turns to Silly Putty and becomes one with your sneaker soles and Houston just keeps groaning for a little relief.
What I saw in the Gopher State at the General Assembly was a demonstration very similar to Houston’s summertime weather. There was a great deal of rumbling, some ominous signs, a lot of sound, and the same results as the Houston thunderclouds bring—continued groaning (in the Gopher State I also saw a statue of Mary Tyler Moore. They did not have a statue of Ted Knight. Or even Gavin MacLeod. I did not see a gopher, though).
The rumbling came in the form of the presentation of approximately 748 (or was it 749?) different motions, overtures, and hysterical sobbing pleas centered around “social justice.” “Social justice” occurs when Tiffany, that stuck up cheerleader who is always criticizing your hair, totally forgets her conditioner after showering after gym class and her hair like just completely frizzes out the rest of the day and even though she tries to hide it under a ball cap and pony tail, you totally know it is a mess under there and you can say, “nice hat, Tiff.” That’s some social justice for you.
No, "social justice" is an epidemic that is sweeping the nation, just like SARS. Or Bird Flu. Or maybe gingivitis. It is so severe that there were TWO committees to deal with all of the pressing social justice issues. There was a THIRD committee as well but they renamed it “Peacemaking” and no one was the wiser. All three committees sought to deal with the 593 horrific issues that CNN claims will cause the earth to spontaneously combust or crash into Venus or cause David Hasselhoff to remain popular.
But how is this “Social Justice” virus spread? “Do I need to wear a surgical mask to choir practice?” you may ask. How does social justice happen? The first way is through unclean toilet seats. “Always use the disposable seat covers, even at home” is something I say all the time. The other method is through that petri dish of church business: the committee. For example, lets look at a committee meeting at the Presbytery of The Mildewed Hills, where an individual who, while eating his morning bowl of Cocoa Puffs, caught about 5 minutes of a “CNN American Morning" report about the horrific working conditions endured by birthday rent-a-clowns, and he is appalled by the horrificness of it. Based on his now-extensive knowledge of the subject, he tells the committee that something should be done.
“I know we were talking about sending a group to Haiti to help earthquake victims find potable water, but for me the bigger issue is how we are going to solve the problem of the horrific clown working conditions!”
“Don’t you mean ‘the clown’s horrific working conditions’?”
“Whatever, We need to do something. It is horrific”
“We could hold a bake sale!”
“We can all wear ribbons in support. But really BIG ribbons, like a clown would wear!”
“I’VE GOT IT! We’ll draft a resolution condemning the horrific working conditions and pass it on to General Assembly! That should end this horrific problem once and for all!”
“Huzzah!” (It being a Presbyterian committee, there are a lot of old folks in attendance and they probably still say “Huzzah!” Or at least “That’s a whiz-bang idea, slugger!”)
So later that year, the resolution reaches one of the three GA committees and well over 3/4 of the committee members are wildly enthusiastic about making a statement about the horrific plight of the clowns and they approve it for plenary. Once there, the clown report is presented to the body of commissioners along with 748 other vitally important statements we as a church need to make if we are to save the earth from certain doom. The upside to all of this is that you get to hear a few really great speeches that supporters have obviously copped from their favorite comic books or sci-fi fantasy movies, like “The time has come for the people of this planet to rise as one against this horrific threat to our very existence! We must show the Gorgons, err... We must show Bank of America that we are not to be trifled with!” Wild applause follows and, often, a mock light saber battle in the aisle.
So I sat in the convention hall and listened to the sad litany of the world’s problems, which was a lot like watching Headline News without attractive anchors or commercials for Sham-Wow. But after the first 17 or so proclamations, I began to lose interest and drifted back to the compelling Tetris game I had on my laptop. And still the overtures kept coming—no one could possibly keep track, let alone understand the nuances and implications of any of these issues. I might as well have been voting for Major League Lacrosse All Star team or the finest lutefisk restaurant in Iceland (editor’s note: Ole’s Little Reykjavik Lutefisk Palace is excellent, but I don’t know if it is the best).
After this part of the docket has been approved, you wonder why we took time to vote at all, At face value, what sane person wouldn’t support a stand against violence or human rights violations or Paris Hilton? But in the perspective of history, these are the type of unfortunate situations that have always and will always be with us. There are no real solutions here at all—simply condemnations, calls for dialogues, letters to Congress, and threats to tell our dads. I don’t recall the passages about Jesus sending the Romans a manifesto demanding they disband their armies or end the practice of crucifixion.
Sometimes there are situations that simply must be addressed. But at this moment, is there anything resembling The Holocaust? Apartheid? The Rwandan Genocide? The 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Apartheid was essentially ended by the efforts of Bishop Tutu and the churches of South Africa uniting against an obvious injustice. I don’t believe capping credit card debt has the same gravitas as ending apartheid. (editors note: gravitas is excellent on bagels with a little cream cheese and some capers). Is the rest of the world looking at us Christians and saying “How can you let this happen? When will you do something about the profane language on television and in movies (editors note: this was an actual overture presented and passed this year)?
Also, by taking on these issues, is PC(USA) duplicating the efforts of hundreds of already existing secular or church-based organizations? Is it any church’s job to protect coastal wetlands (editors note: this was also an actual overture)? In 2012, will we discuss developing Pop Tarts as an alternative energy source or advocate releasing Joe Biden back into the wild? Is it wise to spend money on initiatives that are already in place and run by people who may have a better understanding of the situation rather than, say, people who may have read about it in USA Today (editors note: for you internet and video- only types, this is a “newspaper” found only in hotel lobbies).
You might say that when you say everything, you say nothing at all (this would also be a great country music lyric). “The Man” is not going to listen to a group who rails against EVERY social ill that blows down the road, including illnesses which blow down roads. Until the denomination is ready to throw its weight behind one or two issues rather than 57, “The Man” will never listen. Of course, even if the denomination stands united in a cause, there is little chance “The Man” will listen because why would he listen to an organization hemorrhaging members, heading for bankruptcy, continuing with bitter infights, and exerting little to no influence over today’s society. Also, they are not very sharp dressers.
In looking over some opinion pieces, analyses of these latest social justice pronouncements, and my fantasy football guidebook, I found a quote from John Leith reminding us that “the church has one unique thing which no one else can do—spread the Gospel.” The proclamation of the Gospel is a light to others. When the Gospel is spread, the light is spread and people, vocations, corporations, and even nations are elevated. If everyone would tackle that issue, then maybe instead of Houston-like weather, there would be a light sprinkle, leading to a big rainstorm, and perhaps a tropical depression of love and some groanings would be relieved.
What I saw in the Gopher State at the General Assembly was a demonstration very similar to Houston’s summertime weather. There was a great deal of rumbling, some ominous signs, a lot of sound, and the same results as the Houston thunderclouds bring—continued groaning (in the Gopher State I also saw a statue of Mary Tyler Moore. They did not have a statue of Ted Knight. Or even Gavin MacLeod. I did not see a gopher, though).
The rumbling came in the form of the presentation of approximately 748 (or was it 749?) different motions, overtures, and hysterical sobbing pleas centered around “social justice.” “Social justice” occurs when Tiffany, that stuck up cheerleader who is always criticizing your hair, totally forgets her conditioner after showering after gym class and her hair like just completely frizzes out the rest of the day and even though she tries to hide it under a ball cap and pony tail, you totally know it is a mess under there and you can say, “nice hat, Tiff.” That’s some social justice for you.
No, "social justice" is an epidemic that is sweeping the nation, just like SARS. Or Bird Flu. Or maybe gingivitis. It is so severe that there were TWO committees to deal with all of the pressing social justice issues. There was a THIRD committee as well but they renamed it “Peacemaking” and no one was the wiser. All three committees sought to deal with the 593 horrific issues that CNN claims will cause the earth to spontaneously combust or crash into Venus or cause David Hasselhoff to remain popular.
But how is this “Social Justice” virus spread? “Do I need to wear a surgical mask to choir practice?” you may ask. How does social justice happen? The first way is through unclean toilet seats. “Always use the disposable seat covers, even at home” is something I say all the time. The other method is through that petri dish of church business: the committee. For example, lets look at a committee meeting at the Presbytery of The Mildewed Hills, where an individual who, while eating his morning bowl of Cocoa Puffs, caught about 5 minutes of a “CNN American Morning" report about the horrific working conditions endured by birthday rent-a-clowns, and he is appalled by the horrificness of it. Based on his now-extensive knowledge of the subject, he tells the committee that something should be done.
“I know we were talking about sending a group to Haiti to help earthquake victims find potable water, but for me the bigger issue is how we are going to solve the problem of the horrific clown working conditions!”
“Don’t you mean ‘the clown’s horrific working conditions’?”
“Whatever, We need to do something. It is horrific”
“We could hold a bake sale!”
“We can all wear ribbons in support. But really BIG ribbons, like a clown would wear!”
“I’VE GOT IT! We’ll draft a resolution condemning the horrific working conditions and pass it on to General Assembly! That should end this horrific problem once and for all!”
“Huzzah!” (It being a Presbyterian committee, there are a lot of old folks in attendance and they probably still say “Huzzah!” Or at least “That’s a whiz-bang idea, slugger!”)
So later that year, the resolution reaches one of the three GA committees and well over 3/4 of the committee members are wildly enthusiastic about making a statement about the horrific plight of the clowns and they approve it for plenary. Once there, the clown report is presented to the body of commissioners along with 748 other vitally important statements we as a church need to make if we are to save the earth from certain doom. The upside to all of this is that you get to hear a few really great speeches that supporters have obviously copped from their favorite comic books or sci-fi fantasy movies, like “The time has come for the people of this planet to rise as one against this horrific threat to our very existence! We must show the Gorgons, err... We must show Bank of America that we are not to be trifled with!” Wild applause follows and, often, a mock light saber battle in the aisle.
So I sat in the convention hall and listened to the sad litany of the world’s problems, which was a lot like watching Headline News without attractive anchors or commercials for Sham-Wow. But after the first 17 or so proclamations, I began to lose interest and drifted back to the compelling Tetris game I had on my laptop. And still the overtures kept coming—no one could possibly keep track, let alone understand the nuances and implications of any of these issues. I might as well have been voting for Major League Lacrosse All Star team or the finest lutefisk restaurant in Iceland (editor’s note: Ole’s Little Reykjavik Lutefisk Palace is excellent, but I don’t know if it is the best).
After this part of the docket has been approved, you wonder why we took time to vote at all, At face value, what sane person wouldn’t support a stand against violence or human rights violations or Paris Hilton? But in the perspective of history, these are the type of unfortunate situations that have always and will always be with us. There are no real solutions here at all—simply condemnations, calls for dialogues, letters to Congress, and threats to tell our dads. I don’t recall the passages about Jesus sending the Romans a manifesto demanding they disband their armies or end the practice of crucifixion.
Sometimes there are situations that simply must be addressed. But at this moment, is there anything resembling The Holocaust? Apartheid? The Rwandan Genocide? The 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Apartheid was essentially ended by the efforts of Bishop Tutu and the churches of South Africa uniting against an obvious injustice. I don’t believe capping credit card debt has the same gravitas as ending apartheid. (editors note: gravitas is excellent on bagels with a little cream cheese and some capers). Is the rest of the world looking at us Christians and saying “How can you let this happen? When will you do something about the profane language on television and in movies (editors note: this was an actual overture presented and passed this year)?
Also, by taking on these issues, is PC(USA) duplicating the efforts of hundreds of already existing secular or church-based organizations? Is it any church’s job to protect coastal wetlands (editors note: this was also an actual overture)? In 2012, will we discuss developing Pop Tarts as an alternative energy source or advocate releasing Joe Biden back into the wild? Is it wise to spend money on initiatives that are already in place and run by people who may have a better understanding of the situation rather than, say, people who may have read about it in USA Today (editors note: for you internet and video- only types, this is a “newspaper” found only in hotel lobbies).
You might say that when you say everything, you say nothing at all (this would also be a great country music lyric). “The Man” is not going to listen to a group who rails against EVERY social ill that blows down the road, including illnesses which blow down roads. Until the denomination is ready to throw its weight behind one or two issues rather than 57, “The Man” will never listen. Of course, even if the denomination stands united in a cause, there is little chance “The Man” will listen because why would he listen to an organization hemorrhaging members, heading for bankruptcy, continuing with bitter infights, and exerting little to no influence over today’s society. Also, they are not very sharp dressers.
In looking over some opinion pieces, analyses of these latest social justice pronouncements, and my fantasy football guidebook, I found a quote from John Leith reminding us that “the church has one unique thing which no one else can do—spread the Gospel.” The proclamation of the Gospel is a light to others. When the Gospel is spread, the light is spread and people, vocations, corporations, and even nations are elevated. If everyone would tackle that issue, then maybe instead of Houston-like weather, there would be a light sprinkle, leading to a big rainstorm, and perhaps a tropical depression of love and some groanings would be relieved.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Issue by Issue, Part 1
Belhar Confession and Heidelberg Catechism
Israel/Palestine, and with it denouncing/divesting Caterpillar
NFOG
Definition of Marriage
Benefits for same-sex partners
Ordination once again
Spain or The Netherlands
Denouncing Justin Beiber
These were the issues that featured the most debate in plenary. Of course nearly all of the issues were essentially about the ordination issue in some way, as was most everything at the General Assembly. From the rainbow scarves to poorly-designed slogan-laden t-shirts, to the painfully obvious “inclusive” prayers, we were reminded at every turn about the issue drove this and every other assembly for the past 30 years or so, namely, should we convert to the metric system?
If you have followed the General Assembly at all this year then you really need to find a less painful hobby, like self-tatooing or bull riding. But if you did follow it, you already know the issues and the results and the implications, so I’ll skip the review and just try to give a little personal spin on what I observed as we “worked together, unified in our diversity and also as a global community and also we are diverse. But unified.”
Confessions
As I’ve stated before, this is the committee of which I was a lucky enough to be a part. Just like I was lucky enough to be a part of Hurricane Ike. We had some whopper items up for discussion. The first was whether to continue re-translating The Heidelberg Catechism.
The Heidelberg Catechism is a series of questions used for teaching reformed doctrine, or possibly the history of the Bavarian sausage industry. The publishers, however, made the mistake of actually printing the answers RIGHT BENEATH THE QUESTION. And they couldn’t re-print, because it was the 16th Century and all Xeroxing had to be done by hand. This led to many people passing their reformed doctrine tests without really studying. This went on for centuries, leading to our present crisis in the Presbyterian Church--that no one knows the difference between knockwurst and bratwurst.
Things were going great for Heidelberg until someone reading the original 16th Century text and comparing it to the 20th Century translation noticed that there were a few errors. What that person failed to notice was that he was missing out on things that normal humans do, like watching SportsCenter, eating Cheetos, or having a date.
Even so, the last General Assembly decided that he was right and assigned a committee to figure out what other mistakes may have been made. Soon they found there were a lot of mistakes. For example, Question 7 asks “Where does this corrupt nature come from?” The current answer is “Bayonne, New Jersey.” This will likely be changed by the committee to the correct answer, which is of course “3.14159265.”
As an added bonus, the committee found that the translation in question 87 for “homosexual perversion” was wrong, too. It was originally more vague, and the committee would like to replace the phrase with “unchaste persons," living up to our motto: “Presbyterians—moving from specificity to vagueness for 500 years.”
Part of the discussion in committee concerned the difficulties to be overcome in order to do this type of work. The German language, like English, has changed through the years. Words like “transgendered,” “Jello,” and “Tiger Woods” didn’t exist in the 16th century. So the process was to translate the 16th Century German to 21st Century German, then to 21st Century English. Or at least English with a thick German accent, like in old World War II movies (“Vat does Gott's law require uf us? Schnell! Schnell!")
Another part of this issue is that the Catechism as it is published in our Book of Confessions has no scripture references as it does when published in other places. When asked if those references would be a part of the new translation, the committee members essentially said that it would be difficult since there were several Bible translations used at the time of its writing in 1563, both German and Latin, and that verse numbers were not used back then, and also, the committee was going to go get a haircut and maybe take a day to clean out the garage, so adding verses was a big step.
So we see that it is difficult to translate 16th Century German in to 21st Century English. And it is difficult to translate 16th Century Bible verses into 21st Century English. The committee has chosen to concentrate on the Catechism. The logical conclusion then is that it is more essential to re-translate the text of the Catechism than to discern the correct supporting scripture. When currently published with scriptural references, question 87 references I Corinthians 6:9-10. As always, there is no need to bring scripture into the discussion—it only makes it harder to pass an agenda.
The next confession we encountered was the Confession of Jimmy T. Gumbury, which was essentially an admission that yes, he did steal Myrna Flockner’s giant fruit-scented eraser in 4th grade homeroom and he was very sorry but he did it in order to get Myrna’s attention because he really liked her. It didn’t quite have the depth of some of the other confessions and was tabled until GA 220.
The Confession of Belhar, on the other hand is a little-known confession from the Dutch Reformed Church in South Africa that was born out of the fight against apartheid and was also a “hidden track” on Paul Simon’s seminal “Graceland” CD. It is a document focusing on unity and reconciliation, thus making it extremely popular in some Presbyterian circles, including some that have actually read the text.
I read the text in preparation for GA and I honestly had no trouble with it at all, Mostly because there weren’t any really big words. It is an inspirational statement against heinous injustice. And that is part of my trouble with it.
This process of reviewing Belhar was the longest in our committee and we took the time seriously, stopping only to stretch, go to the restroom, get a drink of water and play in the giant inflatable jumpers provided by the local organizers. The one shaped like a dragon was by far the favorite.
Speaking against the majority in a small group is something I like just slightly better than slamming my hand in a car door. But there were things which I felt like I had to speak about, the major thing being the elder with a little bit of taco sauce on her chin which she wouldn’t wipe it off.
Briefly:
-Some argued against Belhar as not being Christocentric. Which was immediately construed by supporters who said things like “But Jesus is mentioned all though it,” not picking up the second half of the word “-centric.” Belhar simply isn’t about faith in Jesus Christ. Which, to me, is what a confession is supposed to be about. I believe that Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough Ice Cream is superior to Chunky Monkey, that Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame, and that as soon as my wife and I save any amount of money a major appliance will break. But they are not the basis of my faith. To me, the only truly confessional parts of Belhar seem to be #1 and #5 and maybe #2. The remainder are statements of belief in unity and reconciliation, but not statements of faith, unless it is faith in a unified church.
-A desire to seek unity is stated in other confessions pretty straightforwardly, so why do we need an entire document? If you said what you wanted to previously, why restate it? This is why we are subjected to “Police Academy 2”, “Police Academy 3”, and so many “High School Musicals.”
-My pet peeve pro-Belhar argument is that there is no confession in our constitution from the Southern Hemisphere. If a confession is brought forth from our Korean brethren, will we immediately adopt it, because we have no Asian confessions? Do we include one from Marshall Islanders, and if so, will we also need to include those from the Solomon Islands? What about Lapland? Nunavut? Tatooine?
One minister commissioner during the hearing stage stated that he uses Belhar in his services because his congregation includes several Africans and they appreciated it. Adopting a confession because it makes people feel better about themselves seems insulting. If Africans or Koreans or emo kids or bad dancers or anyone else is unable to feel included without a special Confession to call their own, you have some serious problems—and it isn’t the Book of Confessions.
-Our church staff was blessed to have been visited recently by brothers and sisters from a sister church in Kenya for a few weeks. I may have learned more about faith and standing firm on the Word of God, and felt a better sense of unity by simply conversing with them for a few afternoons than by any confession I have read. If they could capture their deep, deep faith in their own confession at some point, I feel certain it would be a document worth holding up. Also, if they could be in charge of the energizers rather than the YADDs, that would help immensely.
-No one has read Belhar. Just this week at our Presbytery meeting, no one raised their hand when asked if they had read the Confession. Also, no one raised their hand when asked if they read Dan Brown’s last book, which was not surprising either. Is there a great cry to include this? I don’t hear it, but I often have my iPod on too loud. Also, no one can answer the question of whether “Belhar” is a person or a town or perhaps a small country or principality.
-Finally, it WILL be used for issues. The special committee stated that was not their intent, but the first person lined up at the hearing urged us to pass it to give her a tool to use in her homosexulist struggle. I brought this up, and the argument came back that we can’t NOT send it based on the fear that it may be misused and that we have to stand firm about things we believe in, like unity.
Later today I will let my kids stick a pen knife in an electrical socket because I can’t live in fear that electricity will be misused. Simply because it can be and will be used in that way, it doesn’t deserve to be called a confession, as confessions should be used to show one thing—our faith in Christ. And perhaps which Rolling Stones album is best.
More ponderings to come when there isn't something good on TV.
Israel/Palestine, and with it denouncing/divesting Caterpillar
NFOG
Definition of Marriage
Benefits for same-sex partners
Ordination once again
Spain or The Netherlands
Denouncing Justin Beiber
These were the issues that featured the most debate in plenary. Of course nearly all of the issues were essentially about the ordination issue in some way, as was most everything at the General Assembly. From the rainbow scarves to poorly-designed slogan-laden t-shirts, to the painfully obvious “inclusive” prayers, we were reminded at every turn about the issue drove this and every other assembly for the past 30 years or so, namely, should we convert to the metric system?
If you have followed the General Assembly at all this year then you really need to find a less painful hobby, like self-tatooing or bull riding. But if you did follow it, you already know the issues and the results and the implications, so I’ll skip the review and just try to give a little personal spin on what I observed as we “worked together, unified in our diversity and also as a global community and also we are diverse. But unified.”
Confessions
As I’ve stated before, this is the committee of which I was a lucky enough to be a part. Just like I was lucky enough to be a part of Hurricane Ike. We had some whopper items up for discussion. The first was whether to continue re-translating The Heidelberg Catechism.
The Heidelberg Catechism is a series of questions used for teaching reformed doctrine, or possibly the history of the Bavarian sausage industry. The publishers, however, made the mistake of actually printing the answers RIGHT BENEATH THE QUESTION. And they couldn’t re-print, because it was the 16th Century and all Xeroxing had to be done by hand. This led to many people passing their reformed doctrine tests without really studying. This went on for centuries, leading to our present crisis in the Presbyterian Church--that no one knows the difference between knockwurst and bratwurst.
Things were going great for Heidelberg until someone reading the original 16th Century text and comparing it to the 20th Century translation noticed that there were a few errors. What that person failed to notice was that he was missing out on things that normal humans do, like watching SportsCenter, eating Cheetos, or having a date.
Even so, the last General Assembly decided that he was right and assigned a committee to figure out what other mistakes may have been made. Soon they found there were a lot of mistakes. For example, Question 7 asks “Where does this corrupt nature come from?” The current answer is “Bayonne, New Jersey.” This will likely be changed by the committee to the correct answer, which is of course “3.14159265.”
As an added bonus, the committee found that the translation in question 87 for “homosexual perversion” was wrong, too. It was originally more vague, and the committee would like to replace the phrase with “unchaste persons," living up to our motto: “Presbyterians—moving from specificity to vagueness for 500 years.”
Part of the discussion in committee concerned the difficulties to be overcome in order to do this type of work. The German language, like English, has changed through the years. Words like “transgendered,” “Jello,” and “Tiger Woods” didn’t exist in the 16th century. So the process was to translate the 16th Century German to 21st Century German, then to 21st Century English. Or at least English with a thick German accent, like in old World War II movies (“Vat does Gott's law require uf us? Schnell! Schnell!")
Another part of this issue is that the Catechism as it is published in our Book of Confessions has no scripture references as it does when published in other places. When asked if those references would be a part of the new translation, the committee members essentially said that it would be difficult since there were several Bible translations used at the time of its writing in 1563, both German and Latin, and that verse numbers were not used back then, and also, the committee was going to go get a haircut and maybe take a day to clean out the garage, so adding verses was a big step.
So we see that it is difficult to translate 16th Century German in to 21st Century English. And it is difficult to translate 16th Century Bible verses into 21st Century English. The committee has chosen to concentrate on the Catechism. The logical conclusion then is that it is more essential to re-translate the text of the Catechism than to discern the correct supporting scripture. When currently published with scriptural references, question 87 references I Corinthians 6:9-10. As always, there is no need to bring scripture into the discussion—it only makes it harder to pass an agenda.
The next confession we encountered was the Confession of Jimmy T. Gumbury, which was essentially an admission that yes, he did steal Myrna Flockner’s giant fruit-scented eraser in 4th grade homeroom and he was very sorry but he did it in order to get Myrna’s attention because he really liked her. It didn’t quite have the depth of some of the other confessions and was tabled until GA 220.
The Confession of Belhar, on the other hand is a little-known confession from the Dutch Reformed Church in South Africa that was born out of the fight against apartheid and was also a “hidden track” on Paul Simon’s seminal “Graceland” CD. It is a document focusing on unity and reconciliation, thus making it extremely popular in some Presbyterian circles, including some that have actually read the text.
I read the text in preparation for GA and I honestly had no trouble with it at all, Mostly because there weren’t any really big words. It is an inspirational statement against heinous injustice. And that is part of my trouble with it.
This process of reviewing Belhar was the longest in our committee and we took the time seriously, stopping only to stretch, go to the restroom, get a drink of water and play in the giant inflatable jumpers provided by the local organizers. The one shaped like a dragon was by far the favorite.
Speaking against the majority in a small group is something I like just slightly better than slamming my hand in a car door. But there were things which I felt like I had to speak about, the major thing being the elder with a little bit of taco sauce on her chin which she wouldn’t wipe it off.
Briefly:
-Some argued against Belhar as not being Christocentric. Which was immediately construed by supporters who said things like “But Jesus is mentioned all though it,” not picking up the second half of the word “-centric.” Belhar simply isn’t about faith in Jesus Christ. Which, to me, is what a confession is supposed to be about. I believe that Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough Ice Cream is superior to Chunky Monkey, that Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame, and that as soon as my wife and I save any amount of money a major appliance will break. But they are not the basis of my faith. To me, the only truly confessional parts of Belhar seem to be #1 and #5 and maybe #2. The remainder are statements of belief in unity and reconciliation, but not statements of faith, unless it is faith in a unified church.
-A desire to seek unity is stated in other confessions pretty straightforwardly, so why do we need an entire document? If you said what you wanted to previously, why restate it? This is why we are subjected to “Police Academy 2”, “Police Academy 3”, and so many “High School Musicals.”
-My pet peeve pro-Belhar argument is that there is no confession in our constitution from the Southern Hemisphere. If a confession is brought forth from our Korean brethren, will we immediately adopt it, because we have no Asian confessions? Do we include one from Marshall Islanders, and if so, will we also need to include those from the Solomon Islands? What about Lapland? Nunavut? Tatooine?
One minister commissioner during the hearing stage stated that he uses Belhar in his services because his congregation includes several Africans and they appreciated it. Adopting a confession because it makes people feel better about themselves seems insulting. If Africans or Koreans or emo kids or bad dancers or anyone else is unable to feel included without a special Confession to call their own, you have some serious problems—and it isn’t the Book of Confessions.
-Our church staff was blessed to have been visited recently by brothers and sisters from a sister church in Kenya for a few weeks. I may have learned more about faith and standing firm on the Word of God, and felt a better sense of unity by simply conversing with them for a few afternoons than by any confession I have read. If they could capture their deep, deep faith in their own confession at some point, I feel certain it would be a document worth holding up. Also, if they could be in charge of the energizers rather than the YADDs, that would help immensely.
-No one has read Belhar. Just this week at our Presbytery meeting, no one raised their hand when asked if they had read the Confession. Also, no one raised their hand when asked if they read Dan Brown’s last book, which was not surprising either. Is there a great cry to include this? I don’t hear it, but I often have my iPod on too loud. Also, no one can answer the question of whether “Belhar” is a person or a town or perhaps a small country or principality.
-Finally, it WILL be used for issues. The special committee stated that was not their intent, but the first person lined up at the hearing urged us to pass it to give her a tool to use in her homosexulist struggle. I brought this up, and the argument came back that we can’t NOT send it based on the fear that it may be misused and that we have to stand firm about things we believe in, like unity.
Later today I will let my kids stick a pen knife in an electrical socket because I can’t live in fear that electricity will be misused. Simply because it can be and will be used in that way, it doesn’t deserve to be called a confession, as confessions should be used to show one thing—our faith in Christ. And perhaps which Rolling Stones album is best.
More ponderings to come when there isn't something good on TV.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
GA Overview, Part 2
Moderator Elections, or “Would a dodgeball tournament serve the same purpose?”
I felt the moderator election worked smoothly. The questions from the floor were frankly awful—none enlightened or colored the candidates positions. Though it is good to see them think on their feet, the questions should be pre-determined, or drawn from a pool of several pertinent questions. Asking the candidates about their favorite Muppet or who their high school crush was served no purpose.
For all of the endless talk of inclusivity, we voted for the candidate who espoused the most liberal virtues and not the African-American guy or the Korean guy or the Minnesotan guy or Southern female pastor or the conservative woman (despite the fact her vice-moderator candidate was Hispanic). I am just pointing out the dichotomy: I do not believe race should play a part in one’s qualifications, but the “inclusive” talk is pervasive, and biases so many decisions—except this one. It would save a lot of time if the candidates simply stated their values and we voted from that—the outcome would be the same:
[] A. Somewhere between Pat Buchanan and Jerry Falwell
[] B. Not as bad as A, but I still read the Bible
[] C. I’ve ridden more fences than a 75-year-old ranch hand
[] D. “Can’t we all just get along” liberal
[] E. I’m for extending full marriage rights and reparations to bisexual endangered whales from the Global South
Committee work, or “If lusting in my heart is adultery, is bludgeoning someone to death with my laptop (in my heart) murder?”
There are 18 or perhaps even more committees and all commissioners are assigned to one. I was on the Theological Issues and Institutions Committee (often referred to by its nickname, “The Fightin’ Theologians and Institutions”). Others include Church Orders and Ministry, Comfortable Footware Choices, Commissioner Birthday Party Arrangements, and Low Sodium Diets.
In committee, like the “conversations,” the resources were essentially the ones who wrote the overture and as such were certainly pro-overture. For the more controversial issues, a dissenting voice was given time to state reasons for opposition, I believe out of pity. As with any committee anywhere, we were beset with microphone hogs, with endless debate about semantics, with motions, revotes, those who didn’t understand the questions, and one commissioner’s incessant whistling of “The Theme from A Summer Place.”
But as we neared the end of one agonizingly pointless debate, the commissioner next to me said to me that she had had enough. Briefly, she was from a very small church struggling mightily not just to grow, but to retain members and on the brink of financial disaster. Yet we were spending 3 hours on where to place a comma. My heart broke for her. She loves her church and simply wanted something from this GA to give her hope. I doubt she found it. And that is ultimately the saddest thing. The denomination is so obsessed, so devoted to the liberal issues, that they have totally lost sight of their purpose. Or maybe they never had that purpose at all. This woman was voting along “party lines” with the majority, and the majority was letting her down. And yet there is continued wonder as to why members are fleeing and contributions have dried up.
Plenary Session, or “Boy, this is sure a lot of old white people!”
I understand that the business of the denomination is what GA is about. It seems to me however, that the sharing of ideas and problem solving is what it SHOULD be about. Fully half of the GA docket could be decided by acclamation beforehand. Half of the speeches could be thrown away. And we didn't need the synchronized swimming demonstration no matter how good Gradye Parsons looks in a bathing suit and swim cap. Most of the committees could then be condensed or done away with. The energy and money poured into the lobbying lunches and dinners could feed a nation (you know, if the nation enjoys overcooked chicken breast, steamed vegetables, and rice pilaf). Or at least buy some Nutter Butters for the commissioners.
Though the worship parts were fine, couldn’t GA be something of a showcase of the newest, the coolest, the best and brightest that the denomination has to offer? If we are so globally focused, why not Irish dancers and Scottish pipers and African drummers and Indian sitarists and Russian balalaika-ists, and Hula dancers and Brazilian samba dancers? Maybe French mimes? No no, sorry got carried away, God abhors mimes. And perhaps the French. Maybe we could leave saying, “Wow, we have a lot of problems, but we also have a lot to offer. Look at all of the talent dedicated to glorifying God.”
Instead, we had a week of everything that is essentially the worst—endless debates and committees and procedures and quasi-intellectual speechifying and verisimilitude (literally, “lots and lots of similitude”).
Overall, people speaking were civil and respectful. The voting process went smoothly except when the voting machines malfunctioned and thousands of garage doors in Edina and Bloomington went up and down. The PCBiz website with all of the docket refreshing right before your eyes functioned really well, but the pop up ads for weight loss breakthroughs were in bad taste.
I doubt I will ever vote with the majority in today’s denomination, but I think I respected my fellow delegates. This was a bit of an eye-opener as I had always had the vague impression that those on the other side of the aisle were shrill, wacko leftists (and I am sure I was a heartless white male who hated anyone not like me). There were a few of them to be sure, but I was more worried by the shrill wacko fashion statements made by a few of them (black short sleeve dress shirt, black Bermuda shorts, black knee socks, WHITE deck shoes—never appropriate no matter your political stance).
Finally, I don’t know how I feel about the YAADs. On the one hand, they are charismatic and energetic and enthusiastic and on the other hand I wanted to lock them in the Mall of America, fill the hallways with clouds of AXE, and throw the key in the Mississippi. In committee, they had an opinion on everything, which was strange to me as most teens I know are hard pressed to decide which flavor of frozen yogurt is best and who the hottest vampire is. I felt good that they were so involved and enthusiastic, yet their opinions were generally just what you’d expect from 17-19 year-olds—that God loves everyone and everyone is good deep inside and total depravity is best illustrated by that time Travis “The Barf” Barffington threw a volleyball at your head in gym class in 7th grade. Yet they are given full vote in committees and the right to speak (though not vote) in plenary. And they speak A LOT. And the speak emotionally, because they are 17-19-year-olds (they also, like, say, um, “like” a lot). And their opinions are wildly applauded and held in high esteem in a lot of cases. Because if you can set the young on a left leaning path early, the future is better for your agenda.
So, summing up:
Things that worked well:
Volunteers
PCBiz
Bus service to and from airport
Moderator’s humor
Minneapolis
Not so much:
YAADs
Voting machines
Bus service to the picnic
Moderator’s wardrobe
St. Paul
Tomorrow, I'll start looking a little more closely at specific issues and sharing a recipe for a delicious party dip.
I felt the moderator election worked smoothly. The questions from the floor were frankly awful—none enlightened or colored the candidates positions. Though it is good to see them think on their feet, the questions should be pre-determined, or drawn from a pool of several pertinent questions. Asking the candidates about their favorite Muppet or who their high school crush was served no purpose.
For all of the endless talk of inclusivity, we voted for the candidate who espoused the most liberal virtues and not the African-American guy or the Korean guy or the Minnesotan guy or Southern female pastor or the conservative woman (despite the fact her vice-moderator candidate was Hispanic). I am just pointing out the dichotomy: I do not believe race should play a part in one’s qualifications, but the “inclusive” talk is pervasive, and biases so many decisions—except this one. It would save a lot of time if the candidates simply stated their values and we voted from that—the outcome would be the same:
[] A. Somewhere between Pat Buchanan and Jerry Falwell
[] B. Not as bad as A, but I still read the Bible
[] C. I’ve ridden more fences than a 75-year-old ranch hand
[] D. “Can’t we all just get along” liberal
[] E. I’m for extending full marriage rights and reparations to bisexual endangered whales from the Global South
Committee work, or “If lusting in my heart is adultery, is bludgeoning someone to death with my laptop (in my heart) murder?”
There are 18 or perhaps even more committees and all commissioners are assigned to one. I was on the Theological Issues and Institutions Committee (often referred to by its nickname, “The Fightin’ Theologians and Institutions”). Others include Church Orders and Ministry, Comfortable Footware Choices, Commissioner Birthday Party Arrangements, and Low Sodium Diets.
In committee, like the “conversations,” the resources were essentially the ones who wrote the overture and as such were certainly pro-overture. For the more controversial issues, a dissenting voice was given time to state reasons for opposition, I believe out of pity. As with any committee anywhere, we were beset with microphone hogs, with endless debate about semantics, with motions, revotes, those who didn’t understand the questions, and one commissioner’s incessant whistling of “The Theme from A Summer Place.”
But as we neared the end of one agonizingly pointless debate, the commissioner next to me said to me that she had had enough. Briefly, she was from a very small church struggling mightily not just to grow, but to retain members and on the brink of financial disaster. Yet we were spending 3 hours on where to place a comma. My heart broke for her. She loves her church and simply wanted something from this GA to give her hope. I doubt she found it. And that is ultimately the saddest thing. The denomination is so obsessed, so devoted to the liberal issues, that they have totally lost sight of their purpose. Or maybe they never had that purpose at all. This woman was voting along “party lines” with the majority, and the majority was letting her down. And yet there is continued wonder as to why members are fleeing and contributions have dried up.
Plenary Session, or “Boy, this is sure a lot of old white people!”
I understand that the business of the denomination is what GA is about. It seems to me however, that the sharing of ideas and problem solving is what it SHOULD be about. Fully half of the GA docket could be decided by acclamation beforehand. Half of the speeches could be thrown away. And we didn't need the synchronized swimming demonstration no matter how good Gradye Parsons looks in a bathing suit and swim cap. Most of the committees could then be condensed or done away with. The energy and money poured into the lobbying lunches and dinners could feed a nation (you know, if the nation enjoys overcooked chicken breast, steamed vegetables, and rice pilaf). Or at least buy some Nutter Butters for the commissioners.
Though the worship parts were fine, couldn’t GA be something of a showcase of the newest, the coolest, the best and brightest that the denomination has to offer? If we are so globally focused, why not Irish dancers and Scottish pipers and African drummers and Indian sitarists and Russian balalaika-ists, and Hula dancers and Brazilian samba dancers? Maybe French mimes? No no, sorry got carried away, God abhors mimes. And perhaps the French. Maybe we could leave saying, “Wow, we have a lot of problems, but we also have a lot to offer. Look at all of the talent dedicated to glorifying God.”
Instead, we had a week of everything that is essentially the worst—endless debates and committees and procedures and quasi-intellectual speechifying and verisimilitude (literally, “lots and lots of similitude”).
Overall, people speaking were civil and respectful. The voting process went smoothly except when the voting machines malfunctioned and thousands of garage doors in Edina and Bloomington went up and down. The PCBiz website with all of the docket refreshing right before your eyes functioned really well, but the pop up ads for weight loss breakthroughs were in bad taste.
I doubt I will ever vote with the majority in today’s denomination, but I think I respected my fellow delegates. This was a bit of an eye-opener as I had always had the vague impression that those on the other side of the aisle were shrill, wacko leftists (and I am sure I was a heartless white male who hated anyone not like me). There were a few of them to be sure, but I was more worried by the shrill wacko fashion statements made by a few of them (black short sleeve dress shirt, black Bermuda shorts, black knee socks, WHITE deck shoes—never appropriate no matter your political stance).
Finally, I don’t know how I feel about the YAADs. On the one hand, they are charismatic and energetic and enthusiastic and on the other hand I wanted to lock them in the Mall of America, fill the hallways with clouds of AXE, and throw the key in the Mississippi. In committee, they had an opinion on everything, which was strange to me as most teens I know are hard pressed to decide which flavor of frozen yogurt is best and who the hottest vampire is. I felt good that they were so involved and enthusiastic, yet their opinions were generally just what you’d expect from 17-19 year-olds—that God loves everyone and everyone is good deep inside and total depravity is best illustrated by that time Travis “The Barf” Barffington threw a volleyball at your head in gym class in 7th grade. Yet they are given full vote in committees and the right to speak (though not vote) in plenary. And they speak A LOT. And the speak emotionally, because they are 17-19-year-olds (they also, like, say, um, “like” a lot). And their opinions are wildly applauded and held in high esteem in a lot of cases. Because if you can set the young on a left leaning path early, the future is better for your agenda.
So, summing up:
Things that worked well:
Volunteers
PCBiz
Bus service to and from airport
Moderator’s humor
Minneapolis
Not so much:
YAADs
Voting machines
Bus service to the picnic
Moderator’s wardrobe
St. Paul
Tomorrow, I'll start looking a little more closely at specific issues and sharing a recipe for a delicious party dip.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
GA Overview Part 1
I have been home from the PC(USA) General Assembly for a week now and have had time to go over my experiences with friends and pastors and especially my wife, who has never lacked for an opinion. Except when it comes to sports. Ask her who would play third base on her all-time dream-team baseball team, and she will answer, “who cares?”, not even considering arguments for or against Mike Schmidt or Brooks Robinson or even Ken Boyer.
Everyone wanted to know about my General Assembly experience. “How was it?” “Did you like it?” I think I can answer by paraphrasing my 14-year-old son, who though vulgar, got right to the point: “It sounds like a week full of suck.”
In order to better organize my thoughts and opinions, I decided to first give an overview of the week and how things went from a strictly organizational point, then circle back to give my views on the issues that we tackled. Or fumbled, depending on your perspective.
Preparing for the GA Experience, or “Sweet mother of mercy, am I supposed to read all of this or start my own recycling facility?”
In the weeks preceding the assembly I received what appeared to be the complete works of Stephen King, but in reality was the first of 1347 mailings to inform me of the issues before me. I carefully culled through the items, keeping only those that had attractively designed covers and the one that claimed that “Elder Doug Gleditsch Could Soon Be Our Next MILLIONAIRE!” I received a large perfect bound book for the New Form Of Government report, one for the Israel/Palestine Report, a few longer letters about the Belhar Confession, and a catalog from JC Whitney Auto Parts and Accessories, which I read just in case. I then mentally calculated the cost of postage and printing for all of these mailings and wondered how that money would have been better spent.
I am blessed to work at my church, If I wanted to, I would be able to take time to read a lot of the things sent to me. But most other elders have to go to work all day and curse the copy machine and have to take business trips to Hoover, Alabama and eat spaghetti with their families and go to bassoon recitals and clean up that spot where Artie the golden retriever threw up in the living room after he ate leftover spaghetti. They are asked to carve time to read policy papers and proposals, form opinions, and questions, and perhaps seek counsel, and prepare to make critical decisions on issues that will impact a denomination or perhaps—if the commissioner happens to walk into the wrong convention room—the sales forecasts of the Association of Midwestern Buick Dealers.
Ministers have it easier. They can just skip their golf game or that “sermon prep time” to read the material. Just kidding, ministers! Ministers can read the material between holes on the golf course.
Like going to Olive Garden right after hitting the buffet at the Golden Corral, it is just too much to digest. Even if most of the reading material was remotely interesting, a person can’t get though it all, which may be partly strategic, because if you don’t know what you are voting on, you are more inclined to go with the opinions that you hear. I found myself concentrating on just the issues before my committee and a couple of the other major ones. I don’t know if this was the case when the GA met yearly, but I imagine the two-year build up has to contribute. I know I voted for several things I knew absolutely nothing about, and though I think most were ultimately inconsequential, there is always the chance that something important will get by. I have no solutions, but perhaps there may be a better review system of what comes before the GA. Of course, that will have to come from Louisville, which means it won’t happen as I suspect that keeping things off balance better serves the agenda.
Travel Arrangements, or “The Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport is neither in Minneapolis nor in St. Paul.”
One thing that the denomination can do well is plan travel and accommodations for a couple thousand people. The reservations and ticketing for the convention were all online. Immediately after completing all of the forms, I received my detailed itinerary and confirmation letter:
Dear Ms. Elder Doom Grimblestitch:
Thank you for booking your travel through Northeastern Global Travel Associates and Pet Grooming. We here at NGTAPG realize that you have a choice when it comes to travel, namely letting us arrange your reservations, or riding your daughter’s ten-speed and sleeping in her Disney Princess Pup Tent (batteries not included). Please review the following details of your trip:
Departure date: July 2, 2010,
Departure location: Chicago O’Hare Airport, however, your gate is far enough from the terminal that you are in Indianapolis, or possibly Toledo.
Arrival location: Minneapolis-St. Paul? Right? Right?
Flight: Continental Airlines Flight 202, unless Continental merges with United in which case your flight may be transferred to Big Ed’s Mid West Airline and Crop Dusting.
In-flight movie “Titanic 2: Moist Zombies”
In flight snack: 4 oz of ginger ale and a saltine.
In flight irritant: 3-year-old child clad only in a diaper running up and down the aisle chased by his mother who thinks he’s cute,
Extra charge applies for checked bags containing 55 gallon drum of Advil.
Airport transfer: Motor coach to your destination hotel available with presentation of ID and GA credentials, which are available at your destination hotel.
Hotel reservation: 8 nights, 3-1/2 days, Hilton Minneapolis Convention Center, or possibly the Hilton Grand Milwaukee Hotel.
Room: 2241 “The Pillsbury Doughboy Suite.”
Non-smoking, pro-drinking room requested.
Computer rental, lock rental, ThunderStix rental refused.
In-room movie: “Schindler’s List III: Schmear Force”
Hair dryer, gaming system, wifi service, nose hair trimmer, and waffle iron available in room.
Check out: 11:00 a.m. or 4:57 p.m., whichever comes first.
Return date: Sometime later
In-flight movie: “The Bionic Woman: The Musical”
If you need to make any changes to this itinerary please think again, as changes are really hard to do and we are really busy—we have over 2000 other Presbyterians to take care of, many of whom are too disoriented to get dressed properly, let alone travel by air.
Volunteers, or “Seriously, you are not wearing that in public, are you?”
Hundreds of friendly local Presbyterians with comical accents were stationed throughout the Twin Cities, from the airport terminal to the convention center to all of the hotels. Unfortunately, some of them were stationed at the Lakeside Motor Courts Hourly Rate Motel which was awkward until they were relocated to the Hilton Garden. In return for their hours of service and preparation they were allowed to keep the hideous aprons they were forced to wear all week. The aprons served their purpose as the volunteers were easily identified, especially because they were surrounded by children crying at the sight of the horrific aprons. The volunteers persevered and were deeply appreciated.
Riverside Conversations, or “Is it still a conversation if I am not talking?”
I appreciated the effort to preview the issues to come before us, though I’m not sure the workshop on whether to allow Dubuque Seminary to serve communion at its year-end chapel service was well attended. The “conversations” I attended were driven by the resource people— who happened to be the ones who had chaired the committees reviewing the issues. Including the lengthy background review and introductions, the “conversation” was essentially the resource people either promoting or defending their position. They allowed a short time for conversations with those around us, but the entire process seemed geared toward promoting the issue rather than discussing it, which was sorely needed. I came away with a better grasp of what was being proposed, but no ideas of what a dissenting opinion would look like.
It was also a great introduction to those who boldly stand for inclusive language at every opportunity. By the end of the week I was praying that God would vent God’s anger by sending God’s lightning bolts to smite the individual. Or at least hit the human being with The Creator’s ThunderStix. Throughout the week, I heard no stories of a person accepting Christ because the church used inclusive language.
I'll continue with the overview tomorrow and then get into the issues later in the week. Right now, I have to prepare for tonight's Lynch Mob concert, which promises to shed some astute theological observations on these issues. And also some face-melting guitar solos.
Everyone wanted to know about my General Assembly experience. “How was it?” “Did you like it?” I think I can answer by paraphrasing my 14-year-old son, who though vulgar, got right to the point: “It sounds like a week full of suck.”
In order to better organize my thoughts and opinions, I decided to first give an overview of the week and how things went from a strictly organizational point, then circle back to give my views on the issues that we tackled. Or fumbled, depending on your perspective.
Preparing for the GA Experience, or “Sweet mother of mercy, am I supposed to read all of this or start my own recycling facility?”
In the weeks preceding the assembly I received what appeared to be the complete works of Stephen King, but in reality was the first of 1347 mailings to inform me of the issues before me. I carefully culled through the items, keeping only those that had attractively designed covers and the one that claimed that “Elder Doug Gleditsch Could Soon Be Our Next MILLIONAIRE!” I received a large perfect bound book for the New Form Of Government report, one for the Israel/Palestine Report, a few longer letters about the Belhar Confession, and a catalog from JC Whitney Auto Parts and Accessories, which I read just in case. I then mentally calculated the cost of postage and printing for all of these mailings and wondered how that money would have been better spent.
I am blessed to work at my church, If I wanted to, I would be able to take time to read a lot of the things sent to me. But most other elders have to go to work all day and curse the copy machine and have to take business trips to Hoover, Alabama and eat spaghetti with their families and go to bassoon recitals and clean up that spot where Artie the golden retriever threw up in the living room after he ate leftover spaghetti. They are asked to carve time to read policy papers and proposals, form opinions, and questions, and perhaps seek counsel, and prepare to make critical decisions on issues that will impact a denomination or perhaps—if the commissioner happens to walk into the wrong convention room—the sales forecasts of the Association of Midwestern Buick Dealers.
Ministers have it easier. They can just skip their golf game or that “sermon prep time” to read the material. Just kidding, ministers! Ministers can read the material between holes on the golf course.
Like going to Olive Garden right after hitting the buffet at the Golden Corral, it is just too much to digest. Even if most of the reading material was remotely interesting, a person can’t get though it all, which may be partly strategic, because if you don’t know what you are voting on, you are more inclined to go with the opinions that you hear. I found myself concentrating on just the issues before my committee and a couple of the other major ones. I don’t know if this was the case when the GA met yearly, but I imagine the two-year build up has to contribute. I know I voted for several things I knew absolutely nothing about, and though I think most were ultimately inconsequential, there is always the chance that something important will get by. I have no solutions, but perhaps there may be a better review system of what comes before the GA. Of course, that will have to come from Louisville, which means it won’t happen as I suspect that keeping things off balance better serves the agenda.
Travel Arrangements, or “The Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport is neither in Minneapolis nor in St. Paul.”
One thing that the denomination can do well is plan travel and accommodations for a couple thousand people. The reservations and ticketing for the convention were all online. Immediately after completing all of the forms, I received my detailed itinerary and confirmation letter:
Dear Ms. Elder Doom Grimblestitch:
Thank you for booking your travel through Northeastern Global Travel Associates and Pet Grooming. We here at NGTAPG realize that you have a choice when it comes to travel, namely letting us arrange your reservations, or riding your daughter’s ten-speed and sleeping in her Disney Princess Pup Tent (batteries not included). Please review the following details of your trip:
Departure date: July 2, 2010,
Departure location: Chicago O’Hare Airport, however, your gate is far enough from the terminal that you are in Indianapolis, or possibly Toledo.
Arrival location: Minneapolis-St. Paul? Right? Right?
Flight: Continental Airlines Flight 202, unless Continental merges with United in which case your flight may be transferred to Big Ed’s Mid West Airline and Crop Dusting.
In-flight movie “Titanic 2: Moist Zombies”
In flight snack: 4 oz of ginger ale and a saltine.
In flight irritant: 3-year-old child clad only in a diaper running up and down the aisle chased by his mother who thinks he’s cute,
Extra charge applies for checked bags containing 55 gallon drum of Advil.
Airport transfer: Motor coach to your destination hotel available with presentation of ID and GA credentials, which are available at your destination hotel.
Hotel reservation: 8 nights, 3-1/2 days, Hilton Minneapolis Convention Center, or possibly the Hilton Grand Milwaukee Hotel.
Room: 2241 “The Pillsbury Doughboy Suite.”
Non-smoking, pro-drinking room requested.
Computer rental, lock rental, ThunderStix rental refused.
In-room movie: “Schindler’s List III: Schmear Force”
Hair dryer, gaming system, wifi service, nose hair trimmer, and waffle iron available in room.
Check out: 11:00 a.m. or 4:57 p.m., whichever comes first.
Return date: Sometime later
In-flight movie: “The Bionic Woman: The Musical”
If you need to make any changes to this itinerary please think again, as changes are really hard to do and we are really busy—we have over 2000 other Presbyterians to take care of, many of whom are too disoriented to get dressed properly, let alone travel by air.
Volunteers, or “Seriously, you are not wearing that in public, are you?”
Hundreds of friendly local Presbyterians with comical accents were stationed throughout the Twin Cities, from the airport terminal to the convention center to all of the hotels. Unfortunately, some of them were stationed at the Lakeside Motor Courts Hourly Rate Motel which was awkward until they were relocated to the Hilton Garden. In return for their hours of service and preparation they were allowed to keep the hideous aprons they were forced to wear all week. The aprons served their purpose as the volunteers were easily identified, especially because they were surrounded by children crying at the sight of the horrific aprons. The volunteers persevered and were deeply appreciated.
Riverside Conversations, or “Is it still a conversation if I am not talking?”
I appreciated the effort to preview the issues to come before us, though I’m not sure the workshop on whether to allow Dubuque Seminary to serve communion at its year-end chapel service was well attended. The “conversations” I attended were driven by the resource people— who happened to be the ones who had chaired the committees reviewing the issues. Including the lengthy background review and introductions, the “conversation” was essentially the resource people either promoting or defending their position. They allowed a short time for conversations with those around us, but the entire process seemed geared toward promoting the issue rather than discussing it, which was sorely needed. I came away with a better grasp of what was being proposed, but no ideas of what a dissenting opinion would look like.
It was also a great introduction to those who boldly stand for inclusive language at every opportunity. By the end of the week I was praying that God would vent God’s anger by sending God’s lightning bolts to smite the individual. Or at least hit the human being with The Creator’s ThunderStix. Throughout the week, I heard no stories of a person accepting Christ because the church used inclusive language.
I'll continue with the overview tomorrow and then get into the issues later in the week. Right now, I have to prepare for tonight's Lynch Mob concert, which promises to shed some astute theological observations on these issues. And also some face-melting guitar solos.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
July 10, 2010
8:33 a.m.
The sun shines. I pack my suitcases. I decide that packing the pillows would be wrong, but am sorely tempted.
9:36 a.m.
Morning budget report. Figure of “eleventy hundred zillion dollars, three pennies, and a shiny Canadian nickel” goes un-remarked upon.
9:47 a.m.
The Missions committee moderator ends her report. Which means that the business stuff is over and the ceremonial thank yous have begun. The Closing Ceremony is awesome as 2000 Chinese drummers play in unison with 2000 rhythmic gymnasts, all the athletes march by the moderator stand, and we have a B-2 Stealth Bomber flyover, which is immediately protested as being too militaristic, as well displaying ageism against the B-52.
10:00 a.m.
Volunteers have worked their butts off this week, as evidenced by the large collection of butts in the convention hallways.
10:04 a.m.
Excellent presentation of the Pittsburgh GA 2012 committee. Features Mr. McFeely from Mr. Rogers, and commissioners singing “Its a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.” I am being serious. Also seriously, I will in no way attend the 220th GA as I would like to keep my memories of my birthplace as well as Mr, Rogers unstained.
10:16 a.m.
Moderator Bolbach claims this to be the best ever General Assembly, What happened at the worst ever? I am picturing something Tolkein-esque, like the Battle for Helm’s Deep, only longer and bloodier.
10:19 a.m.
Mike Fry is not present at the final meeting so we unanimously elect him to be Gradye Parsons’ Stated Valet.
10:20 a.m.
Adjourned following worship. Hallelujah and amen.
11:33 a.m.
I stay for worship. Mercifully, it is a simple and rhetoric-free service. An eight-year-old girl reads the scripture. This is a low blow. I hold it together long enough to finish the service and walk back to the hotel one last time, thanking and wishing well those that I have worked with this week, including bartenders. I wish my roommate and new friend Tom well, then I deflate the ThunderStix and let the annoying woman go her way in peace.
12:04 p.m.
Complete packing, but in the most heartbreaking moment of the week, I am forced to empty two beers down the sink. There is no room in the suitcase and even if there was, I am fearful they will explode in the varying pressures of the plane. This time I am unable to hold back, and weep openly. My weeping ceases when the bathroom begins to smell like my college apartment on a Sunday morning. It is time to leave Minneapolis,
12:27 p.m.
Board a motor coach and head off to the airport. There were no lines for the buses, this time, so I wasn’t forced to bike. However, I am riding in the lower luggage compartment.
12:57 p.m.
Arrive at Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, Here, there are lines. People near the head of the lines have been there so long I overhear one couple say they are hoping to get aboard those fancy Pan Am’s with those swell new jet engines they’ve heard so much about.
1:35 p.m.
God is smiling upon me as the only skycap at the airport, or possibly Minnesota, happens by and directs me to his post outside. I thank him effusively and tip him the remaining GA per diem funds I have.
1:57 p.m.
Security is moving slowly even for them. A man bearing a striking resemblance to the Geico caveman is ahead of me. I later find he is a member of a band called One Eskimo. I just wanted to mention it in case they become famous and want to thank me for the early publicity and shout out,
2:03 p.m.
Making progress toward the front scanners when a Presbyterian woman (I know because she is still wearing her lanyard) whom I believe may have once been married to John Witherspoon, is befuddled by the process and presents a book of S&H Green Stamps to the officer. I begin to fret that I will miss my flight. God’s sense of humor is starting to become somewhat obnoxious.
2:14 p.m.
I make it to the gate as we are boarding. Across the aisle is the woman I wanted to hit with ThunderStix. Not really, but I did check.
3:19 p.m.
We land, but are delayed on the tarmac as another plane has been grounded for mechanical issues and has yet to leave our assigned gate. The pilot fires two sidewinder missiles, destroying the offending plane. I believe it’s OK, especially since the destroyed plane didn’t work anyway.
3:31 p.m.
My wife and kids hug me right in front of the baggage claim and One Eskimo. And that is never out of order.
Other notes:
-I will sum up my thoughts and opinions on the issues and the week in general soon, especially since I have to give a report to our Presbytery next week.
-Had a Leinenkugel Summer Shandy with dinner. Ahhhh.
The sun shines. I pack my suitcases. I decide that packing the pillows would be wrong, but am sorely tempted.
9:36 a.m.
Morning budget report. Figure of “eleventy hundred zillion dollars, three pennies, and a shiny Canadian nickel” goes un-remarked upon.
9:47 a.m.
The Missions committee moderator ends her report. Which means that the business stuff is over and the ceremonial thank yous have begun. The Closing Ceremony is awesome as 2000 Chinese drummers play in unison with 2000 rhythmic gymnasts, all the athletes march by the moderator stand, and we have a B-2 Stealth Bomber flyover, which is immediately protested as being too militaristic, as well displaying ageism against the B-52.
10:00 a.m.
Volunteers have worked their butts off this week, as evidenced by the large collection of butts in the convention hallways.
10:04 a.m.
Excellent presentation of the Pittsburgh GA 2012 committee. Features Mr. McFeely from Mr. Rogers, and commissioners singing “Its a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.” I am being serious. Also seriously, I will in no way attend the 220th GA as I would like to keep my memories of my birthplace as well as Mr, Rogers unstained.
10:16 a.m.
Moderator Bolbach claims this to be the best ever General Assembly, What happened at the worst ever? I am picturing something Tolkein-esque, like the Battle for Helm’s Deep, only longer and bloodier.
10:19 a.m.
Mike Fry is not present at the final meeting so we unanimously elect him to be Gradye Parsons’ Stated Valet.
10:20 a.m.
Adjourned following worship. Hallelujah and amen.
11:33 a.m.
I stay for worship. Mercifully, it is a simple and rhetoric-free service. An eight-year-old girl reads the scripture. This is a low blow. I hold it together long enough to finish the service and walk back to the hotel one last time, thanking and wishing well those that I have worked with this week, including bartenders. I wish my roommate and new friend Tom well, then I deflate the ThunderStix and let the annoying woman go her way in peace.
12:04 p.m.
Complete packing, but in the most heartbreaking moment of the week, I am forced to empty two beers down the sink. There is no room in the suitcase and even if there was, I am fearful they will explode in the varying pressures of the plane. This time I am unable to hold back, and weep openly. My weeping ceases when the bathroom begins to smell like my college apartment on a Sunday morning. It is time to leave Minneapolis,
12:27 p.m.
Board a motor coach and head off to the airport. There were no lines for the buses, this time, so I wasn’t forced to bike. However, I am riding in the lower luggage compartment.
12:57 p.m.
Arrive at Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, Here, there are lines. People near the head of the lines have been there so long I overhear one couple say they are hoping to get aboard those fancy Pan Am’s with those swell new jet engines they’ve heard so much about.
1:35 p.m.
God is smiling upon me as the only skycap at the airport, or possibly Minnesota, happens by and directs me to his post outside. I thank him effusively and tip him the remaining GA per diem funds I have.
1:57 p.m.
Security is moving slowly even for them. A man bearing a striking resemblance to the Geico caveman is ahead of me. I later find he is a member of a band called One Eskimo. I just wanted to mention it in case they become famous and want to thank me for the early publicity and shout out,
2:03 p.m.
Making progress toward the front scanners when a Presbyterian woman (I know because she is still wearing her lanyard) whom I believe may have once been married to John Witherspoon, is befuddled by the process and presents a book of S&H Green Stamps to the officer. I begin to fret that I will miss my flight. God’s sense of humor is starting to become somewhat obnoxious.
2:14 p.m.
I make it to the gate as we are boarding. Across the aisle is the woman I wanted to hit with ThunderStix. Not really, but I did check.
3:19 p.m.
We land, but are delayed on the tarmac as another plane has been grounded for mechanical issues and has yet to leave our assigned gate. The pilot fires two sidewinder missiles, destroying the offending plane. I believe it’s OK, especially since the destroyed plane didn’t work anyway.
3:31 p.m.
My wife and kids hug me right in front of the baggage claim and One Eskimo. And that is never out of order.
Other notes:
-I will sum up my thoughts and opinions on the issues and the week in general soon, especially since I have to give a report to our Presbytery next week.
-Had a Leinenkugel Summer Shandy with dinner. Ahhhh.
July 9, 2010
Apologies for the late posting... the wrap party went late.
8:49 a.m.
Another nice morning and Tom and I head to a “hole in the wall” restaurant specializing in crepes. After we crawled through the hole and squeezed against the wall, we had a nice breakfast.
9:25 a.m.
Many line the walkways and hallways of the Convention Center asking to reconsider the marriage definition we rejected yesterday. Also, one protester is asking us to reconsider a rejected call to petition the government to subsidize housing for goldfish, up to and including two-story castles.
9:41 a.m.
Female Friends of Christ pastor prays to Mother-Father God. Obviously we will not be having another “Belarus Orthodox Incident.”
9:53 a.m.
Budget review time. The commission gives all budgetary figures in Indian rupees, No one notices.
10:02 a.m.
Jump right back into the fun! Reconsideration of the Marriage Definition defeated last night. Sidetracked by a debate on the correct pronunciation of “plenary.”
10:14 a.m.
I have decided that these things drag on because people enjoy saying “Madam Moderator, I move the question,” “I rise in support of the substitute motion,” and “Luke, I am your father,” into the microphone.
11:30 a.m.
The report of the Middle East Committee is presented. Debate is minimal as it has been torn apart in committee and corrected to most everyone’s satisfaction. And it passes very easily. The fact that the moderator of the committee sucked on a helium balloon before giving the presentation may have helped sway some votes.
Noon
Lunch with Mike, a cheeseburger at the French restaurant I ate at earlier this week. I impress Mike by speaking French to the waitress. “Appoortez-moi un grande derriere burgere au fromage ici pronto sur la double, siv vous plait!” (“Bring me a big ass cheeseburger on the double, please!). Unfortunately, the waitress doesn’t speak French.
1:30 p.m.
After lunch Middle East stuff is up again and finishes mercifully quickly with the express, written consent of Major League Baseball.
2:02 p.m.
Board of Pensions reports up now. Which is generally not something anyone cares about. Unless you are an older minister, of which there are a lot. But suddenly everyone cares, because, Pensions Committee has a report to extend benefits to same-sex partners. Of course the motion is essentially about benefits and how to pay for them, so no one really understands the real issues, because there are only eight people in the United States who have any idea about how health benefits work. But since it has to do with the issue that has become mandatory for every committee resolution, we debate. Same-sex benefits passes. Mike Fry’s veiled attempts to divert more of the per diem budget to his own pension is defeated.
4:13 p.m.
Many have spoken and none have said anything. I feel my body beginning to become a single-cell gelatinous mass. I hope I have full rights in the PC(USA) once my transformation is complete. Through my stupor I note that the YAAD’s status at GA has been voted to remain the same and oddly enough--in an assembly excited about labels--we vote down a motion to self-state your “theological preference” (evangelical, liberal, God-fearin’ American, cat lover, yellow-bellied coward, etc.) when nominated for GA office.
4:26 p.m.
I note Moderator of Church Polity Committee resembles my wife. Of course she is reading polity motions out loud in a dull monotone, which may be the only thing keeping me from crying at this point.
4:54
The commissioner on the screen has a “bullet”— he is bald on top, mullet in the back. This is fascinating. I have no idea what he is advocating.
5:00 p.m.
A real life disturbance! Protesters! Cops! Arrests! Handcuffs! Poor planning results in their cause not being advanced as most commissioners are irritated that they are delaying the docket and are causing us to be here late tonight. Perhaps even miss the commissioner's dinner at which they will be serving John Knox-shaped chicken nuggets. Many of the assembly are genuinely confused as to what the protesters are actually protesting. They carry placards (badly designed) that read:
PRAYER:
[x] Ordination
[x] Marriage
[x] Pension
The best guess is that they have prayed about these items and are simply letting us know they have done so. Which is commendable, but seems hardly worth disrupting a meeting to let us know, and I would hope that they would be doing that in any circumstance. I suspect it may have been a brilliant strategy to wake up the commissioners, many of whom were asleep and drooling into their keyboards at the time.
5:20 p.m.
Back to the stimulating conversation about a report formulated to be an Authoritative Interpretation of an Authoritative Interpretation. If nothing else has driven people away from church, this may do it. I thought we passed a resolution that we didn’t endorse torture.
6:01 p.m.
Dismissal prayer goes on and on...has anyone ever read Matthew 6:5? “Hypocrites” is probably too strong, but “Microphone Hog” would not be inappropriate. Pastor asks us to thank silently all of those who influenced our Christian lives. He then proceeds to name all of them aloud.
6:44 p.m.
Opening music is upbeat ane as I suspected, the ThunderStix woman cannot dance. Another interminable prayer follows. Clay Brown, where are you?
7:50 p.m.
Peacemaking issues features George Lynch as the moderator. He of course was the lead guitarist from 80s Glam Metal Band “Lynch Mob.” Motions follow to let us know that we are for peace in Sudan. We are for peace in Afghanistan. Added a amendment to remember 9-11, which seems appropriate. We are for peace AND reconciliation in Korea (I assume we mean both North and South). We are for restoring sustainable agriculture in Haiti. We are for peace in Colombia. We are for asking the UN and other countries not to oppress Christians in countries where Christians are minorities, We’d like to restore democracy in Honduras and Madagascar. When the votes are over, I go outside the Convention Center to make sure that peace has broken out across the globe. Hard to tell.
8:47 p.m.
Mission coordination and budgets has 35 items to approve. Only 8 of them are in the consent agenda. Why do we have speeches for items that no one will oppose or question. A speech is given in support of funding a commission to minister to orphans, puppies and kitties. I vote to disapprove simply out of spite.
9:18 p.m.
I can’t take it anymore and bolt for the door before we are dismissed. I run skipping through the skyways shedding my clothes as go. Reconsider stripping, as I am leaving to meet friends from the area for dinner and I’m certain the restaurant has a no-shirt-no-service policy.
9:37 p.m.
Meet my non-Presbyterian friends at a hip and cool downtown restaurant. Note that I was apparently mistaken and the restaurant doesn’t have a no-shirt policy, but does have a no-non-tattooed persons policy. I slip the hostess a ten spot to let me in with my temporary henna tattoo of the PC(USA) cross, which looks awesome because I made the flame part really large to wrap around my triceps.
9:58 p.m.
Enjoy a Belgian abbey-style ale from Wisconsin whose name I couldn’t hear because of the Hispanic Blues Band playing. Traditional, Muddy Waters-style American blues sung in Spanish. First time for everything.
11:15 p.m.
My friends return home, leaving me once more in the company of Presbyterians. But they are all at the bar in the hotel and I join them. Good people all. I must be getting soft.
Other Notes (a lot this time, I apologize for the length of this post to those reading at work. Or if you are trying to avoid working, you are welcome.)
-We are asked to reconsider the action taken late on July 8 in which we upheld the definition of marriage. The rationale is simply that the commissioners were tired and were confused about implications. I crafted the following to speak to the assembly, but the question was called before I was finished.
Throughout the week, we know that--since we are gathered in God’s name--that God has been with us as promised. We have fervently invited the Holy Spirit to intercede in all we have done. And we have undoubtedly asked for God’s will to be done. I do not think that anyone would doubt that.
Therefore, by re-introducing this it can be assumed that those who voted against it:
-did not hear the Holy Spirit at all
-heard the Spirit incorrectly
-ignored the urgings of the Spirit outright
And then we can also assume that those re-introducing the measure do not believe that God’s will was done, at least in a timetable that suited those who support this re-introduction.
As far as the reason for re-introduction, shall we also re-consider the several other items that were debated after, say 9:30 p.m.? Shall we declare the time when all felt tired?
I don’t feel I am in a position to judge whether or not the Spirit was heard, or if God’s will has been done, or even if my fellow commissioners were alert or clear-minded enough to understand and vote. I would hope that others would have the same consideration.
Thankfully the reconsideration was voted down 60%-40%. Morning by morning new mercies I see.
-Good question from Eric Neilsen about an Iraq resolution which in one part states that we need to ask the government to protect all civilians in Iraq yet follows with the admonition that all combat troops be removed (in the next month and half!) and all other troops soon after that. How will we protect if no military is present? Committee member resource says that he would hope that the US government would have entities in place to do that. What? Black ops? Satellites with lasers? Pack animals with lasers? Iron Man?
-We discuss denouncing Caterpillar Tractors. Because Caterpillar products are being used in Palestine by Israelis to build walls and tear down houses in disputed areas. This is insanity. Cat employs thousands around the globe, both directly and indirectly (dealers, repair shops, etc.) One such dealership has very strong ties to Grace. Item is approved, but at least divestment motion fails. Sorry Brad, we tried.
8:49 a.m.
Another nice morning and Tom and I head to a “hole in the wall” restaurant specializing in crepes. After we crawled through the hole and squeezed against the wall, we had a nice breakfast.
9:25 a.m.
Many line the walkways and hallways of the Convention Center asking to reconsider the marriage definition we rejected yesterday. Also, one protester is asking us to reconsider a rejected call to petition the government to subsidize housing for goldfish, up to and including two-story castles.
9:41 a.m.
Female Friends of Christ pastor prays to Mother-Father God. Obviously we will not be having another “Belarus Orthodox Incident.”
9:53 a.m.
Budget review time. The commission gives all budgetary figures in Indian rupees, No one notices.
10:02 a.m.
Jump right back into the fun! Reconsideration of the Marriage Definition defeated last night. Sidetracked by a debate on the correct pronunciation of “plenary.”
10:14 a.m.
I have decided that these things drag on because people enjoy saying “Madam Moderator, I move the question,” “I rise in support of the substitute motion,” and “Luke, I am your father,” into the microphone.
11:30 a.m.
The report of the Middle East Committee is presented. Debate is minimal as it has been torn apart in committee and corrected to most everyone’s satisfaction. And it passes very easily. The fact that the moderator of the committee sucked on a helium balloon before giving the presentation may have helped sway some votes.
Noon
Lunch with Mike, a cheeseburger at the French restaurant I ate at earlier this week. I impress Mike by speaking French to the waitress. “Appoortez-moi un grande derriere burgere au fromage ici pronto sur la double, siv vous plait!” (“Bring me a big ass cheeseburger on the double, please!). Unfortunately, the waitress doesn’t speak French.
1:30 p.m.
After lunch Middle East stuff is up again and finishes mercifully quickly with the express, written consent of Major League Baseball.
2:02 p.m.
Board of Pensions reports up now. Which is generally not something anyone cares about. Unless you are an older minister, of which there are a lot. But suddenly everyone cares, because, Pensions Committee has a report to extend benefits to same-sex partners. Of course the motion is essentially about benefits and how to pay for them, so no one really understands the real issues, because there are only eight people in the United States who have any idea about how health benefits work. But since it has to do with the issue that has become mandatory for every committee resolution, we debate. Same-sex benefits passes. Mike Fry’s veiled attempts to divert more of the per diem budget to his own pension is defeated.
4:13 p.m.
Many have spoken and none have said anything. I feel my body beginning to become a single-cell gelatinous mass. I hope I have full rights in the PC(USA) once my transformation is complete. Through my stupor I note that the YAAD’s status at GA has been voted to remain the same and oddly enough--in an assembly excited about labels--we vote down a motion to self-state your “theological preference” (evangelical, liberal, God-fearin’ American, cat lover, yellow-bellied coward, etc.) when nominated for GA office.
4:26 p.m.
I note Moderator of Church Polity Committee resembles my wife. Of course she is reading polity motions out loud in a dull monotone, which may be the only thing keeping me from crying at this point.
4:54
The commissioner on the screen has a “bullet”— he is bald on top, mullet in the back. This is fascinating. I have no idea what he is advocating.
5:00 p.m.
A real life disturbance! Protesters! Cops! Arrests! Handcuffs! Poor planning results in their cause not being advanced as most commissioners are irritated that they are delaying the docket and are causing us to be here late tonight. Perhaps even miss the commissioner's dinner at which they will be serving John Knox-shaped chicken nuggets. Many of the assembly are genuinely confused as to what the protesters are actually protesting. They carry placards (badly designed) that read:
PRAYER:
[x] Ordination
[x] Marriage
[x] Pension
The best guess is that they have prayed about these items and are simply letting us know they have done so. Which is commendable, but seems hardly worth disrupting a meeting to let us know, and I would hope that they would be doing that in any circumstance. I suspect it may have been a brilliant strategy to wake up the commissioners, many of whom were asleep and drooling into their keyboards at the time.
5:20 p.m.
Back to the stimulating conversation about a report formulated to be an Authoritative Interpretation of an Authoritative Interpretation. If nothing else has driven people away from church, this may do it. I thought we passed a resolution that we didn’t endorse torture.
6:01 p.m.
Dismissal prayer goes on and on...has anyone ever read Matthew 6:5? “Hypocrites” is probably too strong, but “Microphone Hog” would not be inappropriate. Pastor asks us to thank silently all of those who influenced our Christian lives. He then proceeds to name all of them aloud.
6:44 p.m.
Opening music is upbeat ane as I suspected, the ThunderStix woman cannot dance. Another interminable prayer follows. Clay Brown, where are you?
7:50 p.m.
Peacemaking issues features George Lynch as the moderator. He of course was the lead guitarist from 80s Glam Metal Band “Lynch Mob.” Motions follow to let us know that we are for peace in Sudan. We are for peace in Afghanistan. Added a amendment to remember 9-11, which seems appropriate. We are for peace AND reconciliation in Korea (I assume we mean both North and South). We are for restoring sustainable agriculture in Haiti. We are for peace in Colombia. We are for asking the UN and other countries not to oppress Christians in countries where Christians are minorities, We’d like to restore democracy in Honduras and Madagascar. When the votes are over, I go outside the Convention Center to make sure that peace has broken out across the globe. Hard to tell.
8:47 p.m.
Mission coordination and budgets has 35 items to approve. Only 8 of them are in the consent agenda. Why do we have speeches for items that no one will oppose or question. A speech is given in support of funding a commission to minister to orphans, puppies and kitties. I vote to disapprove simply out of spite.
9:18 p.m.
I can’t take it anymore and bolt for the door before we are dismissed. I run skipping through the skyways shedding my clothes as go. Reconsider stripping, as I am leaving to meet friends from the area for dinner and I’m certain the restaurant has a no-shirt-no-service policy.
9:37 p.m.
Meet my non-Presbyterian friends at a hip and cool downtown restaurant. Note that I was apparently mistaken and the restaurant doesn’t have a no-shirt policy, but does have a no-non-tattooed persons policy. I slip the hostess a ten spot to let me in with my temporary henna tattoo of the PC(USA) cross, which looks awesome because I made the flame part really large to wrap around my triceps.
9:58 p.m.
Enjoy a Belgian abbey-style ale from Wisconsin whose name I couldn’t hear because of the Hispanic Blues Band playing. Traditional, Muddy Waters-style American blues sung in Spanish. First time for everything.
11:15 p.m.
My friends return home, leaving me once more in the company of Presbyterians. But they are all at the bar in the hotel and I join them. Good people all. I must be getting soft.
Other Notes (a lot this time, I apologize for the length of this post to those reading at work. Or if you are trying to avoid working, you are welcome.)
-We are asked to reconsider the action taken late on July 8 in which we upheld the definition of marriage. The rationale is simply that the commissioners were tired and were confused about implications. I crafted the following to speak to the assembly, but the question was called before I was finished.
Throughout the week, we know that--since we are gathered in God’s name--that God has been with us as promised. We have fervently invited the Holy Spirit to intercede in all we have done. And we have undoubtedly asked for God’s will to be done. I do not think that anyone would doubt that.
Therefore, by re-introducing this it can be assumed that those who voted against it:
-did not hear the Holy Spirit at all
-heard the Spirit incorrectly
-ignored the urgings of the Spirit outright
And then we can also assume that those re-introducing the measure do not believe that God’s will was done, at least in a timetable that suited those who support this re-introduction.
As far as the reason for re-introduction, shall we also re-consider the several other items that were debated after, say 9:30 p.m.? Shall we declare the time when all felt tired?
I don’t feel I am in a position to judge whether or not the Spirit was heard, or if God’s will has been done, or even if my fellow commissioners were alert or clear-minded enough to understand and vote. I would hope that others would have the same consideration.
Thankfully the reconsideration was voted down 60%-40%. Morning by morning new mercies I see.
-Good question from Eric Neilsen about an Iraq resolution which in one part states that we need to ask the government to protect all civilians in Iraq yet follows with the admonition that all combat troops be removed (in the next month and half!) and all other troops soon after that. How will we protect if no military is present? Committee member resource says that he would hope that the US government would have entities in place to do that. What? Black ops? Satellites with lasers? Pack animals with lasers? Iron Man?
-We discuss denouncing Caterpillar Tractors. Because Caterpillar products are being used in Palestine by Israelis to build walls and tear down houses in disputed areas. This is insanity. Cat employs thousands around the globe, both directly and indirectly (dealers, repair shops, etc.) One such dealership has very strong ties to Grace. Item is approved, but at least divestment motion fails. Sorry Brad, we tried.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
July 8, 2010
9:14 a.m.
Dinner last night was a 25,675 calorie goat cheese pasta dish, so I opted for yogurt, granola, and coffee this morning. My stomach appreciated it.
9:42 a.m.
Celebrate Presbyterian Peacemaking Program with a litany that includes every social justice issue that has ever existed, including WEATHER events. I felt the sentence condemning our callous attitudes toward CGI characters “like in ‘Avatar’” was a reach.
9:52 a.m.
More stuff that no one is paying attention to. We are asked to vote on nominees to at-large positions for some committee no one knows anything about. I vote for the nominee named Heather, because that is my sister-in-law’s name. I realize this stuff is necessary to run the denomination, but has anyone realistically spent any time at all reviewing the qualifications of nominees like these. I mean besides their spouses. And that lady in the front row who hasn't made me break out the TunderStix yet, but its still early.
10:02 a.m.
The next nominee is no rocket scientist. Wait, yes, he really is. Surely he is smart enough not to get involved in denominational level committees.
10:10 a.m.
Electronic voting machines are broken. I ask if the rocket scientist may be of help.
10:18 a.m.
Awkward moment as we are asked to sing a hymn that no one knows. Which seems appropriate considering what has gone on the previous hour.
10:29 a.m.
YAADs make entire body do another “energizer” to “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)”. Their youthful enthusiasm is really starting to get annoying. I contemplate whether this song may be offensive to Turks in some way. Afterwards, the Brandenberg Concerto plays on the hall sound system. I wonder if this is somehow offensive to non-Europeans. I have been here way too long.
10:37 a.m.
Voting machines are back on. Pete “Buzzsaw” Berlowitz defeats Ken “Killing Machine” McKenzie. McKenzie immediately challenges Berlowitz to a Steel Cage Polity Debate of Death.
10:50 a.m.
I wonder if voting by show of raising right hands is discriminatory to left-handed persons?
11:19 a.m.
Debate on middle governing bodies. Debate is undercut as one delegate asks if Texas churches were to leave the Synod of the Sun for the Synod of the Southwest, will other synods scramble to find new member presbyteries, leading to new “Super-Synods” and ultimately a National Synod playoff and Championship? Smaller presbyteries would be relegated to meeting in the Weedeater Bowl.
11:56 a.m.
Debate on extending a committee formed to help solve deep disputes and power struggles in the Puerto Rican Synod, who sound like they are more screwed up than we are, if that is possible. I didn’t agree with a commissioner who presented a convoluted theory that the trouble was due to the Illuminati acting in concert with a Colombian drug cartel and members of the Kennedy family.
1:24 p.m.
The president of Princeton Seminary is in the snack bar line in front of me and he buys a bag of Doritos and a Coke. This strikes me as amusing somehow.
1:51 p.m.
Found out that “Trick or Treat for UNICEF” was originally started by a Presbyterian pastor in 1950. Man comes on stage dressed as an enormous UNICEF box. Presbyterians have a long way to go when it comes to visual aids.
2:00 p.m.
Ecumenical stuff is up. We are addressed by a Catholic bishop. Disappointed he didn’t wear the cool blinged-out bishop hat and stole. Or even speak like Father Guido Sarducci.
2:18 p.m.
Speaker mentions that as part of the motion being presented that the committee was tasked to find out if the EPC had a strategy in place to persuade PC(USA) churches, members, and ministers to leave PC(USA) and join EPC. This is good stuff. I think an inter-denominational fight would be a lot of fun to take on. Espionage. Sabotage. Prank calls. Spiking the sacramental juice. Greasing kneeling rails. Soap bubbles in the organ pipes. Could bring new energy to the denomination.
2:50 p.m.
Muslim leader speaks for the “Toward an Understanding of Christian-Muslim Relations” report in about 30 seconds. I appreciate the brevity and wonder if all Muslims do this. If so, I have underestimated the Muslim faith.
3:13 p.m.
The time is here for the always anticipated annual ordination standards/local option debate. Zany antics and sidesplitting hijinks are sure to follow before the assembly votes for it.
5:00 p.m.
Which they do, albeit a bit closer than I would have thought. If you listen closely, the sound of contributions and offerings drying up and the footsteps of those leaving the denomination can be heard. After the vote, we get to enjoy a palette cleansing discussion on compensation issues within the General Assembly Mission Commission. You can tell it is somewhat boring as there are absolutely no YAADs crying at the microphone.
5:14 p.m.
Strongly worded proposals are passed regarding: taking the Lord’s name in vain in movies and television, violence on the Mexican border, capping credit card interest rates, discrimination against women, equity in schools, ecology in general, destruction of coastal wetlands, access to potable water as a human right, a broad movement encompassing a.human trafficking, b.immigrant detention, and c.torture; gun violence, eliminating the death penalty, immigration, the Gulf Coast oil spill, and something called “The Charter for Compassion.” Other measures including discrimination against guns, violence on the coastal wetlands, and destruction of televisions are disapproved as silly; and overtures condemning eating too much cookie dough, cheating at solitaire, and wearing white shoes after Labor Day are also defeated. We break for dinner having shown the world how righteous we are.
6:09 p.m.
Mike, Tom, and I go to the Commissioner’s Dinner; we end up sitting with one of last week’s moderator candidates, Eric Nielson. We advised him that a coup d’etat was bad form and took his steak knife away from him.
6:11 p.m.
Note that the commissioner I have been mentally threatening with ThunderStix all week is once again seated at the table next to me. God is laughing.
6:47 p.m.
No dessert is served. This is vastly unfair after all we do. Tom and I go to find some dessert. Along the way I am asked to paint with darts and paint-filled balloons by some girls in front of the convention center. I believe I finally have found my calling and I stop at Target to buy balloons and tempera paint.
7:20 p.m.
Tom and I buy Klondike Ice Cream Bars at Target, as well. Heath Bar variety. Hurrying back to the assembly, we go to the podium to auction the Klonikes off to commissioners. We make $73.62, which we intend to donate to the people collecting funds in the lobby to support their Mission to Clothe Naked Mole Rats.
7:55 p.m.
Tom Taylor new Presbyterian Foundation president speaks. I’m sure he is a lovely person and very well qualified but I remember that I have games on my computer that I haven’t tried yet. Slightly embarrassed when I shout an expletive in the middle of his speech when my last starship blows up. I blame it on the ThunderStix lady.
8:12 p.m.
Social justice issues continue. Assembly votes not to drink Arizona Iced Tea. Amendment allows us to drink it if we are really really thirsty and have Presbytery approval.
9:07 p.m.
Civil unions are being discussed, because we haven’t had quite enough divisive issues yet today. Thankfully the there are TWO Scottish speakers in the debate period. I would vote for whatever they were promoting just to hear them talk. They could be advocating that we baptize people with Twisty Tropical Punch Kool Aid and I’d concur. I resist the urge to paint my face blue and shout “FREEDOM!”
10:40 p.m.
Sensing that we have had enough for one day, God allows a definition of marriage overture to fail. I thank Him, but still hear Him snickering about placing that commissioner lady nearby all the time,
Other notes:
-Despite the hour, I indulge in a Goose Island 312 draft. Nice, but I’ve had it before.
-Archpriest of Belarus Orthodox Church of Christ (unrefomed for 2000 years he reminds us) gave an ecumenical greeting that I’m sure many did NOT want to hear. To sum up, he stated that in observing our procedings he is confused, as Christian morality as stated in the scriptures has been unchanged since Christ’s time and we shouldn’t be trying to re-invent it. Also, that the Holy Spirit isn’t denominational--he said he doesn’t understand that the same Holy Spirit that inspired the Bible is now calling denominations to do other things. Ouch. He comends us to not be conformed to this world! Can we elect this guy? Can I just attend his church. Would moving to Belarus be out of the question? Best sermon all week. Doubtful he will return next year.
-I will be exploring what the priest said a little more in depth, along with my thoughts on the other issues a bit more in depth when I this is all over.
Dinner last night was a 25,675 calorie goat cheese pasta dish, so I opted for yogurt, granola, and coffee this morning. My stomach appreciated it.
9:42 a.m.
Celebrate Presbyterian Peacemaking Program with a litany that includes every social justice issue that has ever existed, including WEATHER events. I felt the sentence condemning our callous attitudes toward CGI characters “like in ‘Avatar’” was a reach.
9:52 a.m.
More stuff that no one is paying attention to. We are asked to vote on nominees to at-large positions for some committee no one knows anything about. I vote for the nominee named Heather, because that is my sister-in-law’s name. I realize this stuff is necessary to run the denomination, but has anyone realistically spent any time at all reviewing the qualifications of nominees like these. I mean besides their spouses. And that lady in the front row who hasn't made me break out the TunderStix yet, but its still early.
10:02 a.m.
The next nominee is no rocket scientist. Wait, yes, he really is. Surely he is smart enough not to get involved in denominational level committees.
10:10 a.m.
Electronic voting machines are broken. I ask if the rocket scientist may be of help.
10:18 a.m.
Awkward moment as we are asked to sing a hymn that no one knows. Which seems appropriate considering what has gone on the previous hour.
10:29 a.m.
YAADs make entire body do another “energizer” to “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)”. Their youthful enthusiasm is really starting to get annoying. I contemplate whether this song may be offensive to Turks in some way. Afterwards, the Brandenberg Concerto plays on the hall sound system. I wonder if this is somehow offensive to non-Europeans. I have been here way too long.
10:37 a.m.
Voting machines are back on. Pete “Buzzsaw” Berlowitz defeats Ken “Killing Machine” McKenzie. McKenzie immediately challenges Berlowitz to a Steel Cage Polity Debate of Death.
10:50 a.m.
I wonder if voting by show of raising right hands is discriminatory to left-handed persons?
11:19 a.m.
Debate on middle governing bodies. Debate is undercut as one delegate asks if Texas churches were to leave the Synod of the Sun for the Synod of the Southwest, will other synods scramble to find new member presbyteries, leading to new “Super-Synods” and ultimately a National Synod playoff and Championship? Smaller presbyteries would be relegated to meeting in the Weedeater Bowl.
11:56 a.m.
Debate on extending a committee formed to help solve deep disputes and power struggles in the Puerto Rican Synod, who sound like they are more screwed up than we are, if that is possible. I didn’t agree with a commissioner who presented a convoluted theory that the trouble was due to the Illuminati acting in concert with a Colombian drug cartel and members of the Kennedy family.
1:24 p.m.
The president of Princeton Seminary is in the snack bar line in front of me and he buys a bag of Doritos and a Coke. This strikes me as amusing somehow.
1:51 p.m.
Found out that “Trick or Treat for UNICEF” was originally started by a Presbyterian pastor in 1950. Man comes on stage dressed as an enormous UNICEF box. Presbyterians have a long way to go when it comes to visual aids.
2:00 p.m.
Ecumenical stuff is up. We are addressed by a Catholic bishop. Disappointed he didn’t wear the cool blinged-out bishop hat and stole. Or even speak like Father Guido Sarducci.
2:18 p.m.
Speaker mentions that as part of the motion being presented that the committee was tasked to find out if the EPC had a strategy in place to persuade PC(USA) churches, members, and ministers to leave PC(USA) and join EPC. This is good stuff. I think an inter-denominational fight would be a lot of fun to take on. Espionage. Sabotage. Prank calls. Spiking the sacramental juice. Greasing kneeling rails. Soap bubbles in the organ pipes. Could bring new energy to the denomination.
2:50 p.m.
Muslim leader speaks for the “Toward an Understanding of Christian-Muslim Relations” report in about 30 seconds. I appreciate the brevity and wonder if all Muslims do this. If so, I have underestimated the Muslim faith.
3:13 p.m.
The time is here for the always anticipated annual ordination standards/local option debate. Zany antics and sidesplitting hijinks are sure to follow before the assembly votes for it.
5:00 p.m.
Which they do, albeit a bit closer than I would have thought. If you listen closely, the sound of contributions and offerings drying up and the footsteps of those leaving the denomination can be heard. After the vote, we get to enjoy a palette cleansing discussion on compensation issues within the General Assembly Mission Commission. You can tell it is somewhat boring as there are absolutely no YAADs crying at the microphone.
5:14 p.m.
Strongly worded proposals are passed regarding: taking the Lord’s name in vain in movies and television, violence on the Mexican border, capping credit card interest rates, discrimination against women, equity in schools, ecology in general, destruction of coastal wetlands, access to potable water as a human right, a broad movement encompassing a.human trafficking, b.immigrant detention, and c.torture; gun violence, eliminating the death penalty, immigration, the Gulf Coast oil spill, and something called “The Charter for Compassion.” Other measures including discrimination against guns, violence on the coastal wetlands, and destruction of televisions are disapproved as silly; and overtures condemning eating too much cookie dough, cheating at solitaire, and wearing white shoes after Labor Day are also defeated. We break for dinner having shown the world how righteous we are.
6:09 p.m.
Mike, Tom, and I go to the Commissioner’s Dinner; we end up sitting with one of last week’s moderator candidates, Eric Nielson. We advised him that a coup d’etat was bad form and took his steak knife away from him.
6:11 p.m.
Note that the commissioner I have been mentally threatening with ThunderStix all week is once again seated at the table next to me. God is laughing.
6:47 p.m.
No dessert is served. This is vastly unfair after all we do. Tom and I go to find some dessert. Along the way I am asked to paint with darts and paint-filled balloons by some girls in front of the convention center. I believe I finally have found my calling and I stop at Target to buy balloons and tempera paint.
7:20 p.m.
Tom and I buy Klondike Ice Cream Bars at Target, as well. Heath Bar variety. Hurrying back to the assembly, we go to the podium to auction the Klonikes off to commissioners. We make $73.62, which we intend to donate to the people collecting funds in the lobby to support their Mission to Clothe Naked Mole Rats.
7:55 p.m.
Tom Taylor new Presbyterian Foundation president speaks. I’m sure he is a lovely person and very well qualified but I remember that I have games on my computer that I haven’t tried yet. Slightly embarrassed when I shout an expletive in the middle of his speech when my last starship blows up. I blame it on the ThunderStix lady.
8:12 p.m.
Social justice issues continue. Assembly votes not to drink Arizona Iced Tea. Amendment allows us to drink it if we are really really thirsty and have Presbytery approval.
9:07 p.m.
Civil unions are being discussed, because we haven’t had quite enough divisive issues yet today. Thankfully the there are TWO Scottish speakers in the debate period. I would vote for whatever they were promoting just to hear them talk. They could be advocating that we baptize people with Twisty Tropical Punch Kool Aid and I’d concur. I resist the urge to paint my face blue and shout “FREEDOM!”
10:40 p.m.
Sensing that we have had enough for one day, God allows a definition of marriage overture to fail. I thank Him, but still hear Him snickering about placing that commissioner lady nearby all the time,
Other notes:
-Despite the hour, I indulge in a Goose Island 312 draft. Nice, but I’ve had it before.
-Archpriest of Belarus Orthodox Church of Christ (unrefomed for 2000 years he reminds us) gave an ecumenical greeting that I’m sure many did NOT want to hear. To sum up, he stated that in observing our procedings he is confused, as Christian morality as stated in the scriptures has been unchanged since Christ’s time and we shouldn’t be trying to re-invent it. Also, that the Holy Spirit isn’t denominational--he said he doesn’t understand that the same Holy Spirit that inspired the Bible is now calling denominations to do other things. Ouch. He comends us to not be conformed to this world! Can we elect this guy? Can I just attend his church. Would moving to Belarus be out of the question? Best sermon all week. Doubtful he will return next year.
-I will be exploring what the priest said a little more in depth, along with my thoughts on the other issues a bit more in depth when I this is all over.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
July 7, 2010
9:56 a.m.
Disappointing breakfast at Caribou Coffee. The coffee is somewhat lacking in depth of flavor. Blueberry scones are alright, but my wife’s are remarkable, so it is hard to compare. Barristas in caribou costumes also make it hard to steam the milk properly. Dunn Bros. is a little bitter to my taste, and Starbucks is Starbucks. No Peets to be found. If coffee and beer were not available this week, I’m fairly certain that I’d be a dishevelled quivering mess shuffling through the Minneapolis skyways talking to myself. But then at least the PC(USA) would pass a resolution stating that my position is deplorable and they are unified in saying so.
10:02 a.m.
USA Today article headline reads “Expert on Aging Dies.” One would assume that he knew it was coming.
11:33 a.m.
Souvenir shopping for a short while. Buy a Minnesota Golden Gophers shirt for my son. Lady at checkout says, “There ya’ go, then! Hev a great day!” in the most perfect Minnesota accent I’ve heard since I’ve been here, and it totally makes my morning. Well, that and the young executive-type girl in the short skirt riding the escalator ahead of me. Summering in Minneapolis has advantages.
12:47 p.m.
Do a series of one-handed push-ups, primal screams, and paint my face and bang my head against the wall to prepare for the first plenary session in 45 minutes. I’m so stoked!
1:50 p.m.
I am missing my wife a lot. I’m feeling attracted to the moderator. And the vice moderator. I note that they both have the same haircut.
2:14 p.m.
A presentation includes a logo using both the Papyrus AND Comic Sans fonts. I speak out against the logo, but am declared to be out of order. I may propose an overture outlawing the use of these fonts in any church communications. Also, using a cross as a “T” is right out as well.
3:33 p.m.
To my relief, humor does still exist, found in a presentation by a commissioner on the proper way to use the electronic keypads. It is again sad that we need a lesson on how to operate something simpler than a light switch. Also the moderator is honestly quite funny. And God’s sense of humor is evident as the woman I most wanted to hit with the ThunderStix this week is sitting in the row in front of me. I re-inflate the ThunderStix.
3:48 p.m.
As the chairs scrape across the hall floor they make a cool noise that sounds a lot like the notorious World Cup vuvuzelas--being at GA is just like being at the World Cup. Adding to the atmosphere, one committee moderator rips his shirt off and slides across the dais when an overture passes, causing several brawls to break out among the hooligans in the observer section with spitting, small fires being set, and bags of urine being thrown. Minneapolis riot police quell the uproar with nightsticks. Onto item 16-03.
3:50 p.m.
We are ahead of schedule. However moving the agenda requires it to be approved by parliamentary procedure, and the debate takes 45 minutes. We are now 20 minutes behind schedule.
4:13 p.m.
Distracted from debate--and not in a good way--by the slightly overweight YAAD in front of me whose jeans are riding down. Its really cold in the assembly hall and I wonder why he can’t feel so obvious a draft. I ask my neighbor if I can borrow her new handwoven Guatemalan stole. She declines until I point out why I want to use it.
4:21 p.m.
My committee’s motions are up now... basic stuff is passed easily. Seminary presidents are approved and encouraged to read the full texts of their doctoral theses while balanced on an ironing board with their mouths full of marshmallows. I feel like we shouldn’t let the youth delegates run this part of the meeting.
4:43 p.m.
Several speakers who approach the microphones are supportive of a controversial baptism motion, a few recommend that we disapprove, and one woman is asks if she can use the restroom and would anyone like anything while she is up. So debate has indeed been civil. The Stated Clerk does ask for a tall non-fat double shot cappuccino, wet, with cinnamon, 2 sugars.
5:06 p.m.
More stuff that no one is paying any attention to whatsoever is going on. I think we need a Permanent Judicial Committee on Boring Stuff to take care of all of this and present it in a single report. Is this asking too much?
5:07 p.m.
On the upside of the presentation, the speaker has a lovely, interesting accent that sounds somewhat like Harry Belafonte. I’m already wearing yet another tropical shirt, and I begin humming “Jamaica Farewell” and craving a pina colada. I respectfully wait until the speaker is done before I form the conga line which snakes around the assembly. I am secretly happy that it went over a lot better than the Youth delegates’ “energizer” we did yesterday.
5:30 p.m.
During the break, many visit a hall housing tables of crafts and items for sale to support people from poverty-stricken countries across the globe. Apparently the one thing that really does unite all Presbyterians is shopping. How we can codify this is beyond me, however. On the down side, there are native ethnic clothes available and purchased. I expect to be horrified more than once in the coming days.
7:30 p.m.
Ecumenical greetings include a welcome from a Muslim official. He is effusive in applauding our social justice efforts. Just what they need--more encouragement. He is wildly applauded.
7:45 p.m.
We have a 15 minute period where anyone is allowed to say anything for one minute, save for debate on issues before us. Most are thanking their committees and asking for prayers. One elder asks if anyone has seen his pants that he had on last night and if anyone knows who Starla is. A youth delegate gives a shout out to Meagan for “being his first.” Assembly shuffles papers self-consciously and the moderator takes no further speakers.
7:48 p.m.
Rest of the evening is taken up with debate regarding the implementation of a new form of government. Essentially re-writing the constitution. Speakers for or against are required to hold large colored paddles to indicate their position. Debate is stopped cold when an elder approaches the microphone with a powder blue paddle. In the interest of diversity, he is allowed to speak. He asks if the new constitution should be written on “that gold old-looking parchment paper stuff that smells sorta funny.”
9:30 p.m.
After many substitute motions and amendments are defeated, the new form of government is passed. Most objections seemed to center on the new requirement that congregations should use fist bumps when passing the peace and that steeples should now have inflatable gorillas or similar attention grabbers attached to them in order to draw more people to church.
Other Notes:
-Drank a New Holland Brewing Full Circle Kolsch style lager. Its just alright. Shiner made a better one but has discontinued it.
-Many within earshot of me coo and say awwww when a Native American pastor addresses us in her native tongue and again when a Latin American speaker thanks and congratulates the moderator. It absolutely came across as condescending and demeaning. These are accomplished professional human beings speaking, not five-year-olds in a Christmas pageant.
-During the baptism discussion, one speaker says that her pastor has all children in the congregation come forward at baptisms, and reminds them that God loved them before they were born and will love them forever. Thought that was a lovely picture.
-I thought that the most moving and meaningful parts of the entire week have been the video presentations of the “Growing Christ’s Church Deep and Wide.” We have seen three so far--stories of individual churches who have reached directly into their communities to start relationships with their neighbors in new and unexpected ways. And have been amazingly successful. And their churches are growing because of it, It is so obvious (at least to me a couple of others present) that this is what all churches need to be doing, and that no amount of polity, social justice statements, or inclusive language is going to matter at all if you don’t first reach out a hand.
Disappointing breakfast at Caribou Coffee. The coffee is somewhat lacking in depth of flavor. Blueberry scones are alright, but my wife’s are remarkable, so it is hard to compare. Barristas in caribou costumes also make it hard to steam the milk properly. Dunn Bros. is a little bitter to my taste, and Starbucks is Starbucks. No Peets to be found. If coffee and beer were not available this week, I’m fairly certain that I’d be a dishevelled quivering mess shuffling through the Minneapolis skyways talking to myself. But then at least the PC(USA) would pass a resolution stating that my position is deplorable and they are unified in saying so.
10:02 a.m.
USA Today article headline reads “Expert on Aging Dies.” One would assume that he knew it was coming.
11:33 a.m.
Souvenir shopping for a short while. Buy a Minnesota Golden Gophers shirt for my son. Lady at checkout says, “There ya’ go, then! Hev a great day!” in the most perfect Minnesota accent I’ve heard since I’ve been here, and it totally makes my morning. Well, that and the young executive-type girl in the short skirt riding the escalator ahead of me. Summering in Minneapolis has advantages.
12:47 p.m.
Do a series of one-handed push-ups, primal screams, and paint my face and bang my head against the wall to prepare for the first plenary session in 45 minutes. I’m so stoked!
1:50 p.m.
I am missing my wife a lot. I’m feeling attracted to the moderator. And the vice moderator. I note that they both have the same haircut.
2:14 p.m.
A presentation includes a logo using both the Papyrus AND Comic Sans fonts. I speak out against the logo, but am declared to be out of order. I may propose an overture outlawing the use of these fonts in any church communications. Also, using a cross as a “T” is right out as well.
3:33 p.m.
To my relief, humor does still exist, found in a presentation by a commissioner on the proper way to use the electronic keypads. It is again sad that we need a lesson on how to operate something simpler than a light switch. Also the moderator is honestly quite funny. And God’s sense of humor is evident as the woman I most wanted to hit with the ThunderStix this week is sitting in the row in front of me. I re-inflate the ThunderStix.
3:48 p.m.
As the chairs scrape across the hall floor they make a cool noise that sounds a lot like the notorious World Cup vuvuzelas--being at GA is just like being at the World Cup. Adding to the atmosphere, one committee moderator rips his shirt off and slides across the dais when an overture passes, causing several brawls to break out among the hooligans in the observer section with spitting, small fires being set, and bags of urine being thrown. Minneapolis riot police quell the uproar with nightsticks. Onto item 16-03.
3:50 p.m.
We are ahead of schedule. However moving the agenda requires it to be approved by parliamentary procedure, and the debate takes 45 minutes. We are now 20 minutes behind schedule.
4:13 p.m.
Distracted from debate--and not in a good way--by the slightly overweight YAAD in front of me whose jeans are riding down. Its really cold in the assembly hall and I wonder why he can’t feel so obvious a draft. I ask my neighbor if I can borrow her new handwoven Guatemalan stole. She declines until I point out why I want to use it.
4:21 p.m.
My committee’s motions are up now... basic stuff is passed easily. Seminary presidents are approved and encouraged to read the full texts of their doctoral theses while balanced on an ironing board with their mouths full of marshmallows. I feel like we shouldn’t let the youth delegates run this part of the meeting.
4:43 p.m.
Several speakers who approach the microphones are supportive of a controversial baptism motion, a few recommend that we disapprove, and one woman is asks if she can use the restroom and would anyone like anything while she is up. So debate has indeed been civil. The Stated Clerk does ask for a tall non-fat double shot cappuccino, wet, with cinnamon, 2 sugars.
5:06 p.m.
More stuff that no one is paying any attention to whatsoever is going on. I think we need a Permanent Judicial Committee on Boring Stuff to take care of all of this and present it in a single report. Is this asking too much?
5:07 p.m.
On the upside of the presentation, the speaker has a lovely, interesting accent that sounds somewhat like Harry Belafonte. I’m already wearing yet another tropical shirt, and I begin humming “Jamaica Farewell” and craving a pina colada. I respectfully wait until the speaker is done before I form the conga line which snakes around the assembly. I am secretly happy that it went over a lot better than the Youth delegates’ “energizer” we did yesterday.
5:30 p.m.
During the break, many visit a hall housing tables of crafts and items for sale to support people from poverty-stricken countries across the globe. Apparently the one thing that really does unite all Presbyterians is shopping. How we can codify this is beyond me, however. On the down side, there are native ethnic clothes available and purchased. I expect to be horrified more than once in the coming days.
7:30 p.m.
Ecumenical greetings include a welcome from a Muslim official. He is effusive in applauding our social justice efforts. Just what they need--more encouragement. He is wildly applauded.
7:45 p.m.
We have a 15 minute period where anyone is allowed to say anything for one minute, save for debate on issues before us. Most are thanking their committees and asking for prayers. One elder asks if anyone has seen his pants that he had on last night and if anyone knows who Starla is. A youth delegate gives a shout out to Meagan for “being his first.” Assembly shuffles papers self-consciously and the moderator takes no further speakers.
7:48 p.m.
Rest of the evening is taken up with debate regarding the implementation of a new form of government. Essentially re-writing the constitution. Speakers for or against are required to hold large colored paddles to indicate their position. Debate is stopped cold when an elder approaches the microphone with a powder blue paddle. In the interest of diversity, he is allowed to speak. He asks if the new constitution should be written on “that gold old-looking parchment paper stuff that smells sorta funny.”
9:30 p.m.
After many substitute motions and amendments are defeated, the new form of government is passed. Most objections seemed to center on the new requirement that congregations should use fist bumps when passing the peace and that steeples should now have inflatable gorillas or similar attention grabbers attached to them in order to draw more people to church.
Other Notes:
-Drank a New Holland Brewing Full Circle Kolsch style lager. Its just alright. Shiner made a better one but has discontinued it.
-Many within earshot of me coo and say awwww when a Native American pastor addresses us in her native tongue and again when a Latin American speaker thanks and congratulates the moderator. It absolutely came across as condescending and demeaning. These are accomplished professional human beings speaking, not five-year-olds in a Christmas pageant.
-During the baptism discussion, one speaker says that her pastor has all children in the congregation come forward at baptisms, and reminds them that God loved them before they were born and will love them forever. Thought that was a lovely picture.
-I thought that the most moving and meaningful parts of the entire week have been the video presentations of the “Growing Christ’s Church Deep and Wide.” We have seen three so far--stories of individual churches who have reached directly into their communities to start relationships with their neighbors in new and unexpected ways. And have been amazingly successful. And their churches are growing because of it, It is so obvious (at least to me a couple of others present) that this is what all churches need to be doing, and that no amount of polity, social justice statements, or inclusive language is going to matter at all if you don’t first reach out a hand.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
July 6, 2010
8:04 a.m.
Sun rises once again and I am feeling a little more peace this morning. Of course, I’ve done little more than shower.
8:37 a.m.
Wearing another Hawaiian shirt to demonstrate my solidarity with Jimmy Buffett, Magnum P.I., and Don Ho. Fine Presbyterians all.
9:00 a.m.
From my Facebook feed: “All the official ABBA Lyrics are now up on www.abbasite.com just click on the albums and then on the lyrics symbol, enjoy!”. The timing on this is unfortunate, because I am in Minnesota, where there are an abundance of Swedes I could turn to if I have trouble remembering what ABBA sang in the second verse of “Nina Pretty Ballerina.” I guess its feast or famine when it comes to ABBA resources. I move on to my committee.
9:50 a.m.
Committee gives permission to seminaries to celebrate communion. Passes unanimously with no debate. I kiss all commissioners on the mouth.
10:06 a.m.
Genuinely nice presentation from the Evangelistic Seminary of Puerto Rico, whom we vote to continue to support. Our Puerto Rican committee member prays for the seminary. Our ardently feminist member struggles to figure out if he is using gender neutral language but is confused by the use of feminine and masculine nouns in the Spanish language.
10:21 a.m.
Presentation by Committee On Theological Education (or “CommOTE”). Several seminary presidents are present in this meeting and many participate in a panel discussion and a karaoke competition. Cynthia McCall Campbell, president of McCormick Seminary is the surprise winner after her soaring and emotional rendition of “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You,” by Bryan Adams that leaves many commissioners weeping openly. I personally prefer Dubuque president Jeffrey “JamMaster” Bullock’s daring and funky take on the Frankie Goes To Hollywood smash hit “Relax.”
10:48 a.m.
In rapid succession, Steve Hayner is approved as Columbia president, Paul Roberts is approved as Johnson C. Smith president, Paul Jinkins is approved as Louisville president, and former “Welcome Back, Kotter” star Gabe Kaplan is approved as president of San Francisco Theological Seminary.
11:16 a.m.
Nice conversation with like-minded Texans from Mission and Palo Duro Presbyteries. We agree that we could kick all the other commissioners asses in a bar fight. Except that one female elder from Cleveland, who looks pretty intimidating.
11:55 a.m.
Discussion on clarifying some points on a Baptism/Lord’s Supper item of business. Discussion is lively, but a call for an encore by Dr. Campbell is voted down.
12:07 p.m.
Insanely long pre-lunch prayer which is essentially an effort for the elder praying to show he is part of the gang by citing diversity and sprinkling PC language throughout the entire 27 minutes he prays. The ThunderStix are close at hand,
12:26 p.m.
Because I am trying to eat an ethnically diversely diet, I grab an excellent burger and salad at a local FRENCH restaurant. The burger makes me smile for a couple of minutes... another little touch of grace.
1:33 p.m.
Dessert is 3 Advils when I return to the committee room. The elder’s pre-lunch prayer is winding down.
1:49 p.m.
I adore semantic debates about the wording of amendments, so the next 20-30 minutes is pure bliss. Especially since this is an amendment to an amendment which is destined to fail. The call to the editorial board of the Oxford English Dictionary seems like a somewhat unnecessary step.
2:17 p.m.
Getting pretty sleepy. I notice that my shirt faintly smells like I swam the Mississippi to get here. Yes, a definite dirty water smell. I deduce that it is from the water I used in the steam iron at the hotel room. Make a mental note to stop at the cool Target for some bottled water and Febreeze. Discussion of wording of amendment continues.
2:26 p.m.
In a clarifying remark, the GA resource person admits he has no idea WHERE or even IF this statement will ultimately be published as it has not been written to be included anywhere in the Book of Order or distributed to Presbyteries. I am not making this up.
3:05 p.m.
Vote on the main motion of the non-issue. It passes, and is sent on to GA where it will never be seen again. 54 commissioners x 3 hours = 162 man hours (sorry, “person hours”).
3:22 p.m.
Pastor from Buffalo, speaking in favor of his overture to include a promise to pray within officer ordination vows gives a lengthy sermon. Apparently, it was a long winter in Buffalo, and he has had time to hone and practice the presentation. Thankfully, the moderator disallows the movie clips, youth-led skit, and specially-commissioned Christian rock opera that he has brought along to help illustrate. Also thankfully, no one is opposed to prayer and the item passes unanimously.
3:40 p.m.
Talk briefly to Jack Haberer--he hints that I may want to buy a couple of extra issues of the next Presbyterian Outlook as I may get a mention within. I am excited because it is the Outlook’s annual “Sexiest Presbyterian Alive” issue.
3:56 p.m.
Young Adult Advisory Delegates (often referred to by their nickname, “The people without gray hair and walkers”) lead the committee in “energizers” in which we are encouraged to “raise the roof” and “shimmy to the left and right”. Many commissioners “tear their ACL” and “clutch their chests.”
5:06 p.m.
Committee biz is over! Our presbytery celebrates by taking over the same Irish Pub I’ve spent the last two nights in. Unfortunately, they choose to celebrate by rehashing all that had gone on thus far and going over what is to come. I sip more Jameson’s and watch World Cup highlights remembering that there is a real world outside of the Convention Center, filled with lots of real people who desperately need someone to demonstrate to them the real love of Jesus Christ in a meaningful way. Perhaps if we had, say, 162 man hours to work on that...
Other notes:
-I did feel an emotional release after the committee was dismissed. I sincerely thanked many of the commissioners and YAADs around me. Most everyone acted civilly and respectfully. I never did hit anyone with ThunderStix.
-For obvious reasons, I purposely didn’t comment on the last controversial issue which dealt with language intended to comfort those who lose children prior to baptism and whether that language could be construed into the abortion debate.
-The entire assembly convenes tomorrow. This is where some solid foundations for a schism should be laid. I wish I were joking.
Sun rises once again and I am feeling a little more peace this morning. Of course, I’ve done little more than shower.
8:37 a.m.
Wearing another Hawaiian shirt to demonstrate my solidarity with Jimmy Buffett, Magnum P.I., and Don Ho. Fine Presbyterians all.
9:00 a.m.
From my Facebook feed: “All the official ABBA Lyrics are now up on www.abbasite.com just click on the albums and then on the lyrics symbol, enjoy!”. The timing on this is unfortunate, because I am in Minnesota, where there are an abundance of Swedes I could turn to if I have trouble remembering what ABBA sang in the second verse of “Nina Pretty Ballerina.” I guess its feast or famine when it comes to ABBA resources. I move on to my committee.
9:50 a.m.
Committee gives permission to seminaries to celebrate communion. Passes unanimously with no debate. I kiss all commissioners on the mouth.
10:06 a.m.
Genuinely nice presentation from the Evangelistic Seminary of Puerto Rico, whom we vote to continue to support. Our Puerto Rican committee member prays for the seminary. Our ardently feminist member struggles to figure out if he is using gender neutral language but is confused by the use of feminine and masculine nouns in the Spanish language.
10:21 a.m.
Presentation by Committee On Theological Education (or “CommOTE”). Several seminary presidents are present in this meeting and many participate in a panel discussion and a karaoke competition. Cynthia McCall Campbell, president of McCormick Seminary is the surprise winner after her soaring and emotional rendition of “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You,” by Bryan Adams that leaves many commissioners weeping openly. I personally prefer Dubuque president Jeffrey “JamMaster” Bullock’s daring and funky take on the Frankie Goes To Hollywood smash hit “Relax.”
10:48 a.m.
In rapid succession, Steve Hayner is approved as Columbia president, Paul Roberts is approved as Johnson C. Smith president, Paul Jinkins is approved as Louisville president, and former “Welcome Back, Kotter” star Gabe Kaplan is approved as president of San Francisco Theological Seminary.
11:16 a.m.
Nice conversation with like-minded Texans from Mission and Palo Duro Presbyteries. We agree that we could kick all the other commissioners asses in a bar fight. Except that one female elder from Cleveland, who looks pretty intimidating.
11:55 a.m.
Discussion on clarifying some points on a Baptism/Lord’s Supper item of business. Discussion is lively, but a call for an encore by Dr. Campbell is voted down.
12:07 p.m.
Insanely long pre-lunch prayer which is essentially an effort for the elder praying to show he is part of the gang by citing diversity and sprinkling PC language throughout the entire 27 minutes he prays. The ThunderStix are close at hand,
12:26 p.m.
Because I am trying to eat an ethnically diversely diet, I grab an excellent burger and salad at a local FRENCH restaurant. The burger makes me smile for a couple of minutes... another little touch of grace.
1:33 p.m.
Dessert is 3 Advils when I return to the committee room. The elder’s pre-lunch prayer is winding down.
1:49 p.m.
I adore semantic debates about the wording of amendments, so the next 20-30 minutes is pure bliss. Especially since this is an amendment to an amendment which is destined to fail. The call to the editorial board of the Oxford English Dictionary seems like a somewhat unnecessary step.
2:17 p.m.
Getting pretty sleepy. I notice that my shirt faintly smells like I swam the Mississippi to get here. Yes, a definite dirty water smell. I deduce that it is from the water I used in the steam iron at the hotel room. Make a mental note to stop at the cool Target for some bottled water and Febreeze. Discussion of wording of amendment continues.
2:26 p.m.
In a clarifying remark, the GA resource person admits he has no idea WHERE or even IF this statement will ultimately be published as it has not been written to be included anywhere in the Book of Order or distributed to Presbyteries. I am not making this up.
3:05 p.m.
Vote on the main motion of the non-issue. It passes, and is sent on to GA where it will never be seen again. 54 commissioners x 3 hours = 162 man hours (sorry, “person hours”).
3:22 p.m.
Pastor from Buffalo, speaking in favor of his overture to include a promise to pray within officer ordination vows gives a lengthy sermon. Apparently, it was a long winter in Buffalo, and he has had time to hone and practice the presentation. Thankfully, the moderator disallows the movie clips, youth-led skit, and specially-commissioned Christian rock opera that he has brought along to help illustrate. Also thankfully, no one is opposed to prayer and the item passes unanimously.
3:40 p.m.
Talk briefly to Jack Haberer--he hints that I may want to buy a couple of extra issues of the next Presbyterian Outlook as I may get a mention within. I am excited because it is the Outlook’s annual “Sexiest Presbyterian Alive” issue.
3:56 p.m.
Young Adult Advisory Delegates (often referred to by their nickname, “The people without gray hair and walkers”) lead the committee in “energizers” in which we are encouraged to “raise the roof” and “shimmy to the left and right”. Many commissioners “tear their ACL” and “clutch their chests.”
5:06 p.m.
Committee biz is over! Our presbytery celebrates by taking over the same Irish Pub I’ve spent the last two nights in. Unfortunately, they choose to celebrate by rehashing all that had gone on thus far and going over what is to come. I sip more Jameson’s and watch World Cup highlights remembering that there is a real world outside of the Convention Center, filled with lots of real people who desperately need someone to demonstrate to them the real love of Jesus Christ in a meaningful way. Perhaps if we had, say, 162 man hours to work on that...
Other notes:
-I did feel an emotional release after the committee was dismissed. I sincerely thanked many of the commissioners and YAADs around me. Most everyone acted civilly and respectfully. I never did hit anyone with ThunderStix.
-For obvious reasons, I purposely didn’t comment on the last controversial issue which dealt with language intended to comfort those who lose children prior to baptism and whether that language could be construed into the abortion debate.
-The entire assembly convenes tomorrow. This is where some solid foundations for a schism should be laid. I wish I were joking.
Monday, July 5, 2010
July 5, 2010
7:31 a.m.
The skies are pretty overcast and threatening. I take it a bad omen. Decide to go to the committee anyway, though being struck by lightning may be the best part of the day.
7:57 a.m.
Tom and I head to Dunn Brothers to prepare for our committees. Head is hurting already. This may be due more to the Lift Bridge Farm Girl Saison than the stress of the day. I fear that may change. Take 2 Advils.
7:58 a.m.
Woman in a lilac-colored quilted dashiki in line behind me at Dunn Bros. She is a 50-something short white woman with mousy hair. I’m sure that our African advisory delegates are honored by her sartorial show of solidarity.
8:49 a.m.
Settle into the seat for a never-ending parade of various special-interest-type observers advocating for their favorite causes. Many many people speak passionately about issues that once again, no one outside the denomination cares anything about. Intrigued by the man advocating that the Yankees trade A-Rod to the Pirates, but assumed he wandered over from the Sports Talk Convention down the street.
9:47 a.m.
One woman (whom I previously wanted to hit with ThunderStix) starts using the old “my friend commissioner, I respectively disagree with your opinion.” with all of the sincerity she could fake. I believe I saw venom running down her chin at some point. She later attempted to negate another “friend commissioner’s” motion because it endangered the overture she was avidly supporting. The ThunderStix are ready.
10:13 a.m.
Headache persists and I down 3 more Advils. Pretty certain I feel a rapidly growing hole in my stomach. Or I got hold of some bad yogurt.
10:33 a.m.
Headache is gone in time to enjoy a lengthy discussion on the finer points of translating a sixteenth century German language document to English and should it first be translated to modern German then to English or straight from ancient German and why we need to re-translate it in the first place. I ask the Special Committee on Translation if they know what “schwarzwalder kirschtorte” means, and if anyone has proofread the document for correct usage of umlauts. Found that Special Committees on Translations have little to no sense of humor.
10:49 a.m.
Discussion of the word “grabber” takes a lot longer than it should. I really wish that were a joke.
11:55 a.m.
Vote on retranslating the Heidelberg Catechism passes 51-4-0. I am 1 of the 4, but there may be a recount as the Russian judge has apparently bribed the French judge during the preliminary hearing.
1:36 p.m.
Process starts all over again with another committee explaining their work on the Belhar Confession and why we need to add it to the Book of Confessions. While I appreciated the enthusiasm of one of the members, I didn’t agree that we should add it because “it’s like, totally the most awesome confession EVER!”
2;20 p.m.
Parliamentary procedures become so bogged down with motions, amendments, amendments to amendments, and substitute motions that the Stated Clerk of GA is called in. He performs a series of highly entertaining ventriloquism routines with his dummies “Knoxy” and “Zwingli” which distracts the commissioners long enough that they forget the earlier motions and start over again.
4:57 p.m.
We have been debating the amendments for three hours and are not even close to the original overture. In small groups I state my opposition to the passage of this motion. Apparently without realizing I sprouted an extra appendage and my skin turned plaid. It can be the only reason for the blank stares of incredulity.
6:16 p.m.
My quick dinner of an enormous Chipotle burrito has fallen through the Advil-created hole in my stomach.
7:09 p.m.
Debate continues, aided now by the financial advisor to the GA, who has been picking up empty soda cans from the convention floor in order to supplement the per capita budget.
8:39 p.m.
Fully 41 of the committee have now asked for procedures to be clarified. I must have missed that part of the briefing that if we get a 2/3 majority of participants to ask an obvious question we get free ice cream AND sprinkles.
9:19 p.m.
I begin to chew my nails just for sustenance.
9:45 p.m.
Belhar passes 43-11. At least the "againsts" hit double digits on this one. We are awarded some lovely parting gifts, including Rice-a-Roni (the San Francisco treat) and a gift certificate to the Spiegel Catalog (Chicago 60609).
10:05 p.m.
Foregoing beer, enjoy a couple glasses of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey. I buy the entire bottle and place in my bag with the laptop. It won’t do much for the hole in my stomach, but at some point I am not going to care so much.
Other notes:
-Today was easily the most stressful, disappointing, and depressing day of the week, And its only Monday. I plan writing a more serious wrap up at the end of the week, so I’ll save my thoughts from today til then.
-I know that a Scots pub would be more appropriate, but I am enjoying “The Local” Irish pub.
-May try “Caribou Coffee” tomorrow for a change of pace. And if I can wake up after the whiskey. Which would no doubt be tasty in the coffee, too.
-Please never doubt that we have a wonderful church at Grace Presbyterian. We have issues here and there but we are SOOOOOO blessed in SOOOOOO many ways, Never take it for granted. Never cease prayers of thanksgiving.
-Please continue to pray for me, Mike, Tom, our fellow commissioners and delegates and the denomination. Prayer is desperately needed and desired.
The skies are pretty overcast and threatening. I take it a bad omen. Decide to go to the committee anyway, though being struck by lightning may be the best part of the day.
7:57 a.m.
Tom and I head to Dunn Brothers to prepare for our committees. Head is hurting already. This may be due more to the Lift Bridge Farm Girl Saison than the stress of the day. I fear that may change. Take 2 Advils.
7:58 a.m.
Woman in a lilac-colored quilted dashiki in line behind me at Dunn Bros. She is a 50-something short white woman with mousy hair. I’m sure that our African advisory delegates are honored by her sartorial show of solidarity.
8:49 a.m.
Settle into the seat for a never-ending parade of various special-interest-type observers advocating for their favorite causes. Many many people speak passionately about issues that once again, no one outside the denomination cares anything about. Intrigued by the man advocating that the Yankees trade A-Rod to the Pirates, but assumed he wandered over from the Sports Talk Convention down the street.
9:47 a.m.
One woman (whom I previously wanted to hit with ThunderStix) starts using the old “my friend commissioner, I respectively disagree with your opinion.” with all of the sincerity she could fake. I believe I saw venom running down her chin at some point. She later attempted to negate another “friend commissioner’s” motion because it endangered the overture she was avidly supporting. The ThunderStix are ready.
10:13 a.m.
Headache persists and I down 3 more Advils. Pretty certain I feel a rapidly growing hole in my stomach. Or I got hold of some bad yogurt.
10:33 a.m.
Headache is gone in time to enjoy a lengthy discussion on the finer points of translating a sixteenth century German language document to English and should it first be translated to modern German then to English or straight from ancient German and why we need to re-translate it in the first place. I ask the Special Committee on Translation if they know what “schwarzwalder kirschtorte” means, and if anyone has proofread the document for correct usage of umlauts. Found that Special Committees on Translations have little to no sense of humor.
10:49 a.m.
Discussion of the word “grabber” takes a lot longer than it should. I really wish that were a joke.
11:55 a.m.
Vote on retranslating the Heidelberg Catechism passes 51-4-0. I am 1 of the 4, but there may be a recount as the Russian judge has apparently bribed the French judge during the preliminary hearing.
1:36 p.m.
Process starts all over again with another committee explaining their work on the Belhar Confession and why we need to add it to the Book of Confessions. While I appreciated the enthusiasm of one of the members, I didn’t agree that we should add it because “it’s like, totally the most awesome confession EVER!”
2;20 p.m.
Parliamentary procedures become so bogged down with motions, amendments, amendments to amendments, and substitute motions that the Stated Clerk of GA is called in. He performs a series of highly entertaining ventriloquism routines with his dummies “Knoxy” and “Zwingli” which distracts the commissioners long enough that they forget the earlier motions and start over again.
4:57 p.m.
We have been debating the amendments for three hours and are not even close to the original overture. In small groups I state my opposition to the passage of this motion. Apparently without realizing I sprouted an extra appendage and my skin turned plaid. It can be the only reason for the blank stares of incredulity.
6:16 p.m.
My quick dinner of an enormous Chipotle burrito has fallen through the Advil-created hole in my stomach.
7:09 p.m.
Debate continues, aided now by the financial advisor to the GA, who has been picking up empty soda cans from the convention floor in order to supplement the per capita budget.
8:39 p.m.
Fully 41 of the committee have now asked for procedures to be clarified. I must have missed that part of the briefing that if we get a 2/3 majority of participants to ask an obvious question we get free ice cream AND sprinkles.
9:19 p.m.
I begin to chew my nails just for sustenance.
9:45 p.m.
Belhar passes 43-11. At least the "againsts" hit double digits on this one. We are awarded some lovely parting gifts, including Rice-a-Roni (the San Francisco treat) and a gift certificate to the Spiegel Catalog (Chicago 60609).
10:05 p.m.
Foregoing beer, enjoy a couple glasses of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey. I buy the entire bottle and place in my bag with the laptop. It won’t do much for the hole in my stomach, but at some point I am not going to care so much.
Other notes:
-Today was easily the most stressful, disappointing, and depressing day of the week, And its only Monday. I plan writing a more serious wrap up at the end of the week, so I’ll save my thoughts from today til then.
-I know that a Scots pub would be more appropriate, but I am enjoying “The Local” Irish pub.
-May try “Caribou Coffee” tomorrow for a change of pace. And if I can wake up after the whiskey. Which would no doubt be tasty in the coffee, too.
-Please never doubt that we have a wonderful church at Grace Presbyterian. We have issues here and there but we are SOOOOOO blessed in SOOOOOO many ways, Never take it for granted. Never cease prayers of thanksgiving.
-Please continue to pray for me, Mike, Tom, our fellow commissioners and delegates and the denomination. Prayer is desperately needed and desired.
July 4, 2010
I now have a Hooters ad popping up on my Facebook sidebar. I have never even been to Hooters (honest!)--the only way that would happen is that the Facebook ad generator found “Hooters” on this blog. I choose to take it as assurance that this blog is being read in some form or fashion.
9:47 a.m.
My roommate had an early breakfast meeting and I slept in--accidentaly missing the official GA Sunday Morning Worship. Which is OK, because I try not to make many smart ass comments about worship services (except to my wife, but even then its just whispered to her to make her laugh out loud in church).
10:09 a.m.
Drank coffee and spent the remainder of the morning playing video poker and watching Hogan’s Heroes reruns on YouTube. In my underwear.
1:01 p.m.
Called my mom to let her know that I wasn’t elected moderator. She said she still loved me, but I sensed the disappointment.
1:30 p.m.
Sitting in my first committee meeting. I am on the Theological Issues and Institutions Committee. I’m certain its because people often mistake me for Karl Barth. Or George Clooney. I get that a lot, too.
1:33 p.m.
Opening worship service for our commmittee. Prayer of confession is written so that I am asking forgiveness for destroying the earth and every living soul upon it, and laughing while it happens. Seemed a bit heavy handed.
1:44 p.m.
Moderator’s sermon included a reference to the Hmong people of Laos. I immediately flash to the movie “Gran Torino” and miss the point of her illustration,
1:55 p.m.
Mentally catalog all the other Clint Eastwood movies I love. Can’t decide where to put “Million Dollar Baby.”
1:58 p.m.
Make a mental note to do a better job concentrating in worship.
1:59 p.m.
The team building exercises begin, I smell the sulfurous fumes of hellfire.
2:11 p.m.
Discussion of covenant rules for discussion. All are invited to state suggestions as to how we should conduct our debates and ask questions. One woman speaks three times. I suggest that all who wish to speak should have to perform a liturgical dance first. That may stop her, since she doesn’t look like a dancer to me. Unfortunately, there is no support for this idea.
3:25 p.m.
Our first real vote! The committee approves Arthur “O” Canada as a board member of Montreat. I feel that Arthur at least owes us dinner. Or a beer.
3:26 p.m.
Our first real debate! A commissioner wants to know why Arthur’s Presbytery affiliation was not included in the item description. Other commissioners are now bringing up my liturgical dance idea again. I have now identified two people I’d like to whack with my souvenir Presbyterian GA ThunderStix.
4:15 p.m.
Committee is in recess and no blood has been shed.
4:47 p.m.
Return to the hotel to get ready for the Fourth of July celebration to be held at Nicollet Island on the Mississippi River. My previously unnamed roommate Tom has read this blog now and is OK with it, so he shall be named. Which is great because “Tom” is easier to type than roommate.
5:18 p.m.
Mike Fry, Tom, and I wait in line for the shuttle buses to take us to the picnic. The line forms in the suburbs of Duluth. For those planning large convention-like gatherings, note that one bus is not enough for 2287 participants. I pretend I am at Disney World, waiting to enter a dream like world of fantasy where all sense of reality is suspended. Slowly realize that I have been in that world since Saturday morning.
5:47 p.m.
In a sudden fit of fitness, or “green-ness”, hunger, or desperation, the three of us decide to rent bikes from the public bike rental stands that are scattered throughout Minneapolis. We pedal our way through the downtown streets and across the Mississippi, which is something I never thought I would ever do. It would have been helpful had there been a bridge. It only takes 10 or 11 minutes to slow my heart rate and catch my breath. Tom and Mike are not even sweating. I hate fit people.
6:17 p.m.
Join the hundreds of Presbyterians on picturesque Nicollet Island, named after one of Minneapolis’ founders, Olaf Island.
6:19 p.m.
The food line isn’t as bad, it only extends to downtown St. Paul. Fellow Presbyterian dismisses with malice a family who has wandered into the gathering. Because this is a very exclusive club and we don’t welcome any outsiders--especially if they have young people with them who would like to watch fireworks.
6:45 p.m.
After some good food, we decide that we don’t have an hour and half of small talk left in us before the fireworks are to begin, so we board a shuttle bus back to the hotel. Stood next to a woman obsessed with finding the Target Center Arena, which I believe she had confused with Target Field, the new baseball stadium. Either that or she was another one of those dozens of rabid fans obsessed with the WNBA’s Minnesota Lynx.
6:46 p.m.
Noted that the commissioner in front of me, dressed somewhat like a backwoods guide, also smelled somewhat like he had just caught the bus from the backwoods after several days in the Minnesota wilderness.
7:17 p.m.
Three of us wander into “The Local” a nice Irish pub around the corner from the hotel. Good selection of draft beers which enjoy at our sidewalk table. Diversity is again present in the other patrons. No Presbyterians seem to be engaging the locals in any way, Myself included. Thus the name of the blog. We cannot see fireworks from the bar, so we return to the hotel.
Other notes:
-Lift Bridge Farm Girl Saison is a very worthy brew.
-Enjoyed and agreed with our friend Ron Scates at Highland Park Presbyterian Church in Dallas:
http://pfrenewal.org/issues/372-reform-from-within
-Many people have referenced the sermon by outgoing moderator Bruce Reyes-Chow. I will watch online at some point. He seemed a very engaging speaker when I have heard him.
-Tomorrow may be darker, and not because of the impending rain.
9:47 a.m.
My roommate had an early breakfast meeting and I slept in--accidentaly missing the official GA Sunday Morning Worship. Which is OK, because I try not to make many smart ass comments about worship services (except to my wife, but even then its just whispered to her to make her laugh out loud in church).
10:09 a.m.
Drank coffee and spent the remainder of the morning playing video poker and watching Hogan’s Heroes reruns on YouTube. In my underwear.
1:01 p.m.
Called my mom to let her know that I wasn’t elected moderator. She said she still loved me, but I sensed the disappointment.
1:30 p.m.
Sitting in my first committee meeting. I am on the Theological Issues and Institutions Committee. I’m certain its because people often mistake me for Karl Barth. Or George Clooney. I get that a lot, too.
1:33 p.m.
Opening worship service for our commmittee. Prayer of confession is written so that I am asking forgiveness for destroying the earth and every living soul upon it, and laughing while it happens. Seemed a bit heavy handed.
1:44 p.m.
Moderator’s sermon included a reference to the Hmong people of Laos. I immediately flash to the movie “Gran Torino” and miss the point of her illustration,
1:55 p.m.
Mentally catalog all the other Clint Eastwood movies I love. Can’t decide where to put “Million Dollar Baby.”
1:58 p.m.
Make a mental note to do a better job concentrating in worship.
1:59 p.m.
The team building exercises begin, I smell the sulfurous fumes of hellfire.
2:11 p.m.
Discussion of covenant rules for discussion. All are invited to state suggestions as to how we should conduct our debates and ask questions. One woman speaks three times. I suggest that all who wish to speak should have to perform a liturgical dance first. That may stop her, since she doesn’t look like a dancer to me. Unfortunately, there is no support for this idea.
3:25 p.m.
Our first real vote! The committee approves Arthur “O” Canada as a board member of Montreat. I feel that Arthur at least owes us dinner. Or a beer.
3:26 p.m.
Our first real debate! A commissioner wants to know why Arthur’s Presbytery affiliation was not included in the item description. Other commissioners are now bringing up my liturgical dance idea again. I have now identified two people I’d like to whack with my souvenir Presbyterian GA ThunderStix.
4:15 p.m.
Committee is in recess and no blood has been shed.
4:47 p.m.
Return to the hotel to get ready for the Fourth of July celebration to be held at Nicollet Island on the Mississippi River. My previously unnamed roommate Tom has read this blog now and is OK with it, so he shall be named. Which is great because “Tom” is easier to type than roommate.
5:18 p.m.
Mike Fry, Tom, and I wait in line for the shuttle buses to take us to the picnic. The line forms in the suburbs of Duluth. For those planning large convention-like gatherings, note that one bus is not enough for 2287 participants. I pretend I am at Disney World, waiting to enter a dream like world of fantasy where all sense of reality is suspended. Slowly realize that I have been in that world since Saturday morning.
5:47 p.m.
In a sudden fit of fitness, or “green-ness”, hunger, or desperation, the three of us decide to rent bikes from the public bike rental stands that are scattered throughout Minneapolis. We pedal our way through the downtown streets and across the Mississippi, which is something I never thought I would ever do. It would have been helpful had there been a bridge. It only takes 10 or 11 minutes to slow my heart rate and catch my breath. Tom and Mike are not even sweating. I hate fit people.
6:17 p.m.
Join the hundreds of Presbyterians on picturesque Nicollet Island, named after one of Minneapolis’ founders, Olaf Island.
6:19 p.m.
The food line isn’t as bad, it only extends to downtown St. Paul. Fellow Presbyterian dismisses with malice a family who has wandered into the gathering. Because this is a very exclusive club and we don’t welcome any outsiders--especially if they have young people with them who would like to watch fireworks.
6:45 p.m.
After some good food, we decide that we don’t have an hour and half of small talk left in us before the fireworks are to begin, so we board a shuttle bus back to the hotel. Stood next to a woman obsessed with finding the Target Center Arena, which I believe she had confused with Target Field, the new baseball stadium. Either that or she was another one of those dozens of rabid fans obsessed with the WNBA’s Minnesota Lynx.
6:46 p.m.
Noted that the commissioner in front of me, dressed somewhat like a backwoods guide, also smelled somewhat like he had just caught the bus from the backwoods after several days in the Minnesota wilderness.
7:17 p.m.
Three of us wander into “The Local” a nice Irish pub around the corner from the hotel. Good selection of draft beers which enjoy at our sidewalk table. Diversity is again present in the other patrons. No Presbyterians seem to be engaging the locals in any way, Myself included. Thus the name of the blog. We cannot see fireworks from the bar, so we return to the hotel.
Other notes:
-Lift Bridge Farm Girl Saison is a very worthy brew.
-Enjoyed and agreed with our friend Ron Scates at Highland Park Presbyterian Church in Dallas:
http://pfrenewal.org/issues/372-reform-from-within
-Many people have referenced the sermon by outgoing moderator Bruce Reyes-Chow. I will watch online at some point. He seemed a very engaging speaker when I have heard him.
-Tomorrow may be darker, and not because of the impending rain.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
7:45 a.m.
Slept a little later than intended. These pillows may be some minor work of Satan.
8:12 a.m.
Roommate and I head to the convention center for the morning orientation sessions. No time for breakfast, but there is a Dunn Brothers Coffee right in the middle of the convention center. I take it as affirmation that God is present with us.
8:30 a.m.
Sitting in an overview of my subcommittee’s issues, dealing with Theological Issues and Institutions. These are billed as “Conversations,” but the speakers are obviously biased toward the issues they are presenting. Feel a little intimidated because most conversations I am involved in deal with episodes of Seinfeld and other such deep issues.
9:12 a.m.
Have already had a good long taste of discussions of race relations and gender neutral languages as it applies to the Book of Confessions in our constitution. It is the first HOUR of the first day.
9:13 a.m.
The professor speaking claims that students are so turned off by the use of masculine pronouns in speaking of God and Christ that they are distracted from learning about the theology behind the confessions. I’m going to use that as an excuse the nest time I don’t want to do a project at work. “I would have completed the brochure, but I was way too conflicted by the biased language used in it.”
9:38 a.m.
Female pastor from Baltimore is very concerned that the Belhar Confession under consideration for inclusion in the Book of Confessions is NOT gender neutral. Has two follow-up questions regarding same.
9:48 a.m.
Black speaker is really quite concerned that we include this new confession so that we can proclaim to the world that we think racism is bad. I seriously doubt that the world is paying any attention to us.
10:00 a.m.
Another odd fashion observation--a woman walks by in a black and white snake print sheath dress and lavender sequined platform heels. I was going to tell her that this wasn’t that kind of convention, but I noted that she was wearing a lanyard and carrying a PC(USA) totebag, so I held my tongue. Made a mental note to get one of those totebags.
10:19 a.m.
First headache has set in. I return to the hotel to down some Advil. I have a feeling I will be keeping a running tab on the amount of Advil downed this week. If my liver fails, can I get the PC(USA) to reimburse the medical expenses?
10:42 a.m.
Nice long break til lunch.
1:30 p.m.
Find my seat in the hall for the opening worship service. Mike Fry and I had decided earlier to wear Hawaiian shirts every day. So I surprised him by wearing a black and white snake print sheath dress and lavender heels. Kidding! The heels were black. Who wears lavender heels?
1:44 p.m.
Opening prayer includes a petition to “Mother God” to nurture us. Kinda wish that were a joke.
2;13 p.m.
Business meeting begins. We get to vote with cool little electronic tabulators, I get carried away pushing buttons and shout “What is the Magna Carta! I’ll take English History for $500, Alex.” Embarrassing, especially since the moderator’s name is Bruce.
2:48 p.m.
In test voting to see if we can figure out how to use the electronic tabulators, we find that the majority of commissioners are between 40 and 65 and up and 83% Caucasian. Shocking.
3:30ish p.m.
A man is relating the finer points of GA financial and budget implications in regards to the differences that may be incurred with passage of new proposals and whether they will be debited to the mission or per capita budget numbers. I begin to read the ingredient list on my Nature Valley Sweet -N- Salty Granola Bar and contemplate what “reduced minerals” are. I then contemplate whether I can commit hari kari with a ball point pen. Or a granola bar.
Sometime after that p.m.
We are dismissed. Free dinner at the exhibition hall. 1756 hungry Presbyterians line up for a free buffet served on just three tables. Mike and I take the light rail system to the back of line which begins somewhere near Mall of America.
7:00 p.m.
The next session begins. This is where we elect a new moderator by the process of asking all of the declared candidates to give speeches, write position papers and answer questions from the floor, carefully consider their qualifications and then vote for the one who will support eliminating the fidelity and chastity paragraph.
8:47 p.m.
The swimsuit competition is underway. The pastor from Nevada has surprisingly shapely legs.
9:18 p.m.
After one of the candidates called Presbyterians the most well-educated denomination, re-votes were called for because many of the commissioners couldn’t figure out how to use the electronic voting machines.
9:38 p.m.
Candidates were all very well-spoken and stated their positions very succinctly. I believe that the elder from Florida lost a few votes after trying to sway the Youth Advisory Delegates by declaring he would hire Ke$ha to perform at a “Totally kick ass ordination ceremony.”
9:47 p.m.
After four rounds, Elder Cynthia Bolbach is elected. She had a few funny comments during her speeches when she wasn’t advocating the adoption of the new Form of Government, which she helped develop. She was also the only candidate who didn’t affirm the covenant of marriage as between one man and one woman. So no surprise that she was elected. What was surprising was when she gave a shout out to Tupac and gave “mad props to God.”
Other notes:
-Final tally after 4 rounds was:
Bolbach 51%
Leeth 23%
Belle 8%
Lauterer 8%
Nielsen 6%
Kim 4%
“Doing the Dishes” 3% (I believe this was a glitch because one of the commissioners was playing “Family Feud” online.)
-Though he apparently supports Presbyterian Coalition, I thought that Eric Neilsen advocated many, if not all of the same positions we do at Grace Presbyterian, especially in regards to making the church relevant in our communities in order to reach people for Christ.
-I was pretty impressed with most of the other candidates. I will say that I voted for Julia Leeth, as she was the most conservative choice, and really reasoned out her answers to the published moderator questions. I will keep her assessments of the Belhar Confession and Heidelberg translations close by for the committee work which begins tomorrow.
-If I heard the word “diversity” once, I heard it 873 times. Again, it is only the first day.
-Our worship band at Grace is SOOOO good. I know, its an exhibition not a competition. But they are really really good.
Slept a little later than intended. These pillows may be some minor work of Satan.
8:12 a.m.
Roommate and I head to the convention center for the morning orientation sessions. No time for breakfast, but there is a Dunn Brothers Coffee right in the middle of the convention center. I take it as affirmation that God is present with us.
8:30 a.m.
Sitting in an overview of my subcommittee’s issues, dealing with Theological Issues and Institutions. These are billed as “Conversations,” but the speakers are obviously biased toward the issues they are presenting. Feel a little intimidated because most conversations I am involved in deal with episodes of Seinfeld and other such deep issues.
9:12 a.m.
Have already had a good long taste of discussions of race relations and gender neutral languages as it applies to the Book of Confessions in our constitution. It is the first HOUR of the first day.
9:13 a.m.
The professor speaking claims that students are so turned off by the use of masculine pronouns in speaking of God and Christ that they are distracted from learning about the theology behind the confessions. I’m going to use that as an excuse the nest time I don’t want to do a project at work. “I would have completed the brochure, but I was way too conflicted by the biased language used in it.”
9:38 a.m.
Female pastor from Baltimore is very concerned that the Belhar Confession under consideration for inclusion in the Book of Confessions is NOT gender neutral. Has two follow-up questions regarding same.
9:48 a.m.
Black speaker is really quite concerned that we include this new confession so that we can proclaim to the world that we think racism is bad. I seriously doubt that the world is paying any attention to us.
10:00 a.m.
Another odd fashion observation--a woman walks by in a black and white snake print sheath dress and lavender sequined platform heels. I was going to tell her that this wasn’t that kind of convention, but I noted that she was wearing a lanyard and carrying a PC(USA) totebag, so I held my tongue. Made a mental note to get one of those totebags.
10:19 a.m.
First headache has set in. I return to the hotel to down some Advil. I have a feeling I will be keeping a running tab on the amount of Advil downed this week. If my liver fails, can I get the PC(USA) to reimburse the medical expenses?
10:42 a.m.
Nice long break til lunch.
1:30 p.m.
Find my seat in the hall for the opening worship service. Mike Fry and I had decided earlier to wear Hawaiian shirts every day. So I surprised him by wearing a black and white snake print sheath dress and lavender heels. Kidding! The heels were black. Who wears lavender heels?
1:44 p.m.
Opening prayer includes a petition to “Mother God” to nurture us. Kinda wish that were a joke.
2;13 p.m.
Business meeting begins. We get to vote with cool little electronic tabulators, I get carried away pushing buttons and shout “What is the Magna Carta! I’ll take English History for $500, Alex.” Embarrassing, especially since the moderator’s name is Bruce.
2:48 p.m.
In test voting to see if we can figure out how to use the electronic tabulators, we find that the majority of commissioners are between 40 and 65 and up and 83% Caucasian. Shocking.
3:30ish p.m.
A man is relating the finer points of GA financial and budget implications in regards to the differences that may be incurred with passage of new proposals and whether they will be debited to the mission or per capita budget numbers. I begin to read the ingredient list on my Nature Valley Sweet -N- Salty Granola Bar and contemplate what “reduced minerals” are. I then contemplate whether I can commit hari kari with a ball point pen. Or a granola bar.
Sometime after that p.m.
We are dismissed. Free dinner at the exhibition hall. 1756 hungry Presbyterians line up for a free buffet served on just three tables. Mike and I take the light rail system to the back of line which begins somewhere near Mall of America.
7:00 p.m.
The next session begins. This is where we elect a new moderator by the process of asking all of the declared candidates to give speeches, write position papers and answer questions from the floor, carefully consider their qualifications and then vote for the one who will support eliminating the fidelity and chastity paragraph.
8:47 p.m.
The swimsuit competition is underway. The pastor from Nevada has surprisingly shapely legs.
9:18 p.m.
After one of the candidates called Presbyterians the most well-educated denomination, re-votes were called for because many of the commissioners couldn’t figure out how to use the electronic voting machines.
9:38 p.m.
Candidates were all very well-spoken and stated their positions very succinctly. I believe that the elder from Florida lost a few votes after trying to sway the Youth Advisory Delegates by declaring he would hire Ke$ha to perform at a “Totally kick ass ordination ceremony.”
9:47 p.m.
After four rounds, Elder Cynthia Bolbach is elected. She had a few funny comments during her speeches when she wasn’t advocating the adoption of the new Form of Government, which she helped develop. She was also the only candidate who didn’t affirm the covenant of marriage as between one man and one woman. So no surprise that she was elected. What was surprising was when she gave a shout out to Tupac and gave “mad props to God.”
Other notes:
-Final tally after 4 rounds was:
Bolbach 51%
Leeth 23%
Belle 8%
Lauterer 8%
Nielsen 6%
Kim 4%
“Doing the Dishes” 3% (I believe this was a glitch because one of the commissioners was playing “Family Feud” online.)
-Though he apparently supports Presbyterian Coalition, I thought that Eric Neilsen advocated many, if not all of the same positions we do at Grace Presbyterian, especially in regards to making the church relevant in our communities in order to reach people for Christ.
-I was pretty impressed with most of the other candidates. I will say that I voted for Julia Leeth, as she was the most conservative choice, and really reasoned out her answers to the published moderator questions. I will keep her assessments of the Belhar Confession and Heidelberg translations close by for the committee work which begins tomorrow.
-If I heard the word “diversity” once, I heard it 873 times. Again, it is only the first day.
-Our worship band at Grace is SOOOO good. I know, its an exhibition not a competition. But they are really really good.
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