Scene: High rise office building, downtown Houston or Dallas. It is college football season. Four long-time buddies are around the water cooler. All are native Texans and all attended different Texas colleges. They love nothing more than jabbing each other about their college football teams. It is Monday morning. Time for some good-natured smack talk among old friends—a Texas tradition.
However, the year is 2016. Things have changed. There are four superconferences of 16 teams each. Texas and Texas Tech are out west in the Pac16. Texas A&M is in the SEC. Baylor didn't make the cut and is in a lesser conference. So what do you talk about when the source of your conversations has dried up and gone away?
BU: So, TAMU... heard you guys grabbed a nice win in... ummm was it Maryland Saturday?
TAMU: It was Kentucky, but yeah, it was a good game. A lot closer than I would have liked, but it was a win.
UT: Who knew Kentucky even played football?! Maybe you guys were distracted by looking for Ashley Judd in the stands.
BU: Good thing you only play those guys every 4 or 5 years. They really had your number. That’ll develop into a nice little rivalry in what, about 40 or 50 years. How about you guys, UT, who did you play?
UT: Utah! You didn’t see the game?
BU: No, our cable package doesn’t include the PacLonghorn Network.
TT: I get the network, but I didn’t watch. Wisconsin-Ohio State was on and that seemed to be a more important and entertaining game. But I’m sure there were some pretty compelling storylines going into your game, UT. Isn’t your strong safety from Salt Lake City?
UT: Yep, so they showed his girlfriend in the stands a lot. It was pretty funny because she had a Ute hat and a Horns shirt. That makes for some great TV.
TT: What’s a Ute?
UT: No idea. I think its from “My Cousin Vinny.”
BU: Funny movie.
TAMU: Classic.
TT: Who do you get next week, UT?
UT: We’re on the road to Washington State.
TT: Where is that? Seattle?
UT: No, no that’s the University of Washington. WSU is in Pullman, in eastern Washington. Our fans fly 3-1/2 hours to Spokane, then drive another 2 hours to Pullman. But its a pretty drive. You know, if it doesn’t snow. Or ice over.
TAMU: Its funny to call Washington State “Wazzoo”--it really annoys other schools to make fun of their name! We’ve been sticking it to Auburn by calling them “University of Auburn.” Ha ha!
BU: A lot of fans going to Pullman?
UT: Well, with the economy the way it is, we don’t have a lot of folks making the trip this year, but with President Obama’s Jobs Bill #7, we should be filling that stadium with a sea of burnt orange in just a couple years.
BU: Well the Moscow, Idaho/Pullman metroplex area is a hotbed of football prospects, so the recruiting opportunities up there should be exciting for you.
UT: That’s what we are hoping. Hey Tech, what are you reading?
TT: A friend sent me a link to the Berkeley News Online. There’s a pretty complimentary story about Cal’s fan experiences in Lubbock. They were surprised that you could buy a glass of wine at Chili’s in the city limits. Sure it was Llano blush, but they appreciated the effort. Unfortunately, many of them were disappointed that there didn’t seem to be any place to get an organic micro greens salad with balsamic reduction and portobello mushroom foam. Oh, and there was one incident where a Cal fan drove out to the Big Texan Steak House and splashed red paint on the door and shouted “Meat is Murder!” But other than that, I feel like we are almost the same exact school as Cal! Its like you could swap campuses and no one would notice! I hear our friends in Stillwater feel the same way.
TAMU: Who did you take on, BU?
BU: Well it was our 3rd annual Sabine River Showdown with Louisiana Tech! The emotions were pretty high, you know with that possible Humanitarian Bowl birth on the line. It was all over the Waco papers.
UT: I didn’t realize Louisiana Tech still played football.
TAMU: Speaking of bowls, if we beat Alabama next week, that’s six wins and we pretty much lock up the BBVA Compass Bowl in Birmingham.
TT: Who will y’all play?
TAMU: I think we get the #12 Big Eastern Atlantic Conference team, which is looking like UConn at this point, but NC State has a shot.
TT: That’s going to be epic no matter which team you face! Plus your fans will get TWO trips to Alabama this year! You guys are racking up the frequent flyer miles with the trips to Lexington, Blacksburg, and Tuscaloosa! Not to mention Fayetteville and Starkville.
BU: But getting that win against Bama’s not going to be easy. Don’t they have that tailback from Plano with world class speed?
TAMU: Yep. Bubba Joe Dewberry-Marmelade. Heisman Trophy candidate.
BU: TAMU, didn’t you guys go after him pretty hard?
TAMU: Yeah, we gave him the “You can stay in Texas and compete for a national championship in the best conference in America line.” Unfortunately, Saban gave him the old, “You can WIN the national championship with us and still get to play in Texas a couple of times, since we travel to A&M and occasionally to Cowboys Stadium when Jerry Jones promises us a lot of money” spiel.
BU: Well, its nice of you to open up Texas to recruiting from out-of-state schools. It seems like that was the fair thing to do. Still, its a little sad that some kid’s family only gets to see them 5 or 6 times a season because they can’t travel 700-800 miles four or five times a year rather than 90 miles.
Remember the days when we used to play two or three other Texas schools? That was awesome for families. And not just football families, but all the sports. But I guess they can watch on TV if they have the right premium cable package. And the network broadcasts softball or rowing or golf. Its almost the same as being there with your kid...
TAMU: What are you complaining about BU, you guys still play UTEP and Rice.
BU: Oh, I know, I’m just reminiscing and wishing we weren’t stuck in Conference of the Western Mountains USA Conference and could play with the football powerhouses that have a well-deserved place at the table, like Vanderbilt, or Duke, or Indiana. But enough about our little Bible college, how about you UT and TT? How’s recruiting for you guys?
UT: Well, we are thankful that Mack Brown is an awesome recruiter. He’s pretty good about convincing those California boys to leave the perfect weather and beaches and their families for Austin. But there were some kids that we would love to have back who left Texas when they saw those beaches and bikinis on our trip to USC.
TT: Yeah, we told some of those California kids that we have a Chili’s AND an Applebee’s in Lubbock, not to mention that Buddy Holly statue, but we are not really signing up too many of them.
TAMU: Speaking of Lubbock, my neighbor’s daughter just got a scholarship from Tech to play volleyball! She’s a really good student, too, so she’s not really concerned about road trips to Corvallis, Oregon in the middle of the week. She feels like she can handle the stress.
BU: And speaking of volleyball, UT weren’t you guys in the running to host the Pac16 conference tournament?
UT: Well we were, but we got voted down 12-4, which is strange, because it seems like that is the tally on every vote we have. Maybe next year!
TT: Hey there, lets not bring other sports into this! We’re talking about football here! That’s what’s important! I wasn’t even aware we had a volleyball team, to be honest. But we get to see the Raiders tackle UCLA next week on the network. Gonna be a TON of people watching that one. Its one of those “dream matchups” everyone was so excited about when we created the conference! Sure some people will want to tune in to the once-in-a-lifetime Missouri-West Virginia SEC Brawl, or maybe Syracuse-North Carolina showdown, but I think our matchup is the best!
UT: Well, we’ll sure have a lot more of this spirited banter among us friendly foes next week, that’s for sure!
BU: And in two weeks when we all get together for our single chance to see two Texas teams play each other—the UT-TT game. See you then!
TAMU: Can’t make it--I told the kids I’d take them to College Station that day. We’re playing Ole Miss, and we don’t want to miss a moment when those traditional powers go head to head. Awesome. But we’ll be there in 2017 for sure!
Freeze frame of four buddies laughing and slapping each other’s back.
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